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AIDES' SERIES OF 

STANDARD AND MINOR DRAMA, 

' - .'V, 

- No. 418. 



Muldoon's Blunders 



(COMEDY,) 



WITH OAST OF CHARACTERS, BNTRAN0E8 AND EXITS, 

llBLATIVB POSITIONS OF THE PERFORMERS ON THE STAGE, 

DESCRIPTION OF COSTUMES AND THE WHOLE OF THE 

STAGE BUSINESS; CAREFULLY MARKED FROM 

THE MOST APPROVED ACTING COPY. 



PRICE 25 CENTS. 



CLYDE. OHIO : 

AMES' PUBLISHING CO. 



M 



;ood8 8ent C. O. D. Money MUST -jooompany all orderi* 



v'/>*sr'.^'--.<:-'-:''::'',;> 



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^ 



ALPHABETICAL LIST DP 



iimEs' Edition nf Plays. 

4 svse--* •*• 

FIFrBBN GENTS BACH UNLESS OTHERWISE MARKED. 



I 



DRAMAS. 



.10 



2 

164 
39 
43 
100 
125 
350 
89 
113 
226 
14 
321 
272 
160 
268 
310 
161 
60 
342 
343 
152 
279 
173 
143 
162 
255 
300 

a'>7 

311 

283 

117 

52 

76 

141 

26 

191 

362 

337 

194 



261 



8&5 

46 

227 

211 

251 

163 

91 

36 

34 

229 

f9H 



Arthur Euetaoe, 25c.... 

A Desperate Game 3 

After Ten Years 7 

A Life's Revenge 7 

Arrah de B&ngh 7 

Aurora Floyd 7 

Auld Robin Gray 25c 13 

By Force of Love 8 

Beauty of Lyons 11 

Bill Detrick 7 

Brae, the Poor House Girl.... 4 

Brigands of Calabria 6 

Broken Links 8 

Beyond Pardon 7 

Conn; or, Love's Victory 11 

Clearing the Mists 5 

Claim Ninety-Six (96) 25c 8 

Dora 5 

Driven to the Wall 10 

Defending the Flag, 25c 11 

Daisy Garland'- Fortune, 25c 5 

Driven from Home 7 

Dutch Jake 4 

East Lynne....v..... 8 

Emigrant's Daughter 8 

Fielding Manor 9 

Gertie's Vindication 3 

Grandmother Hildebrand's 

Legacy, 25o 5 

London Assurance 9 

Gyp, The Heiress, 25c 5 

Haunted by a Shadow 8 

Hal Hazard, 25o 10 

Henry Granden 11 

How He Did It 3 

Hidden Treasures 4 

Hunter of the Alps 9 

Hidden Hand 15 

Josh Winchester 5 

Kathleen Mavoumeen 12 

Lights and Shadows of the 

Great Rebellion, 25c 10 

Lady of Lyons 12 

Lady Audley's Secret 6 

Little Goldie, 25c 11 

Lost in London 6 

Miner's Daughter, 25c 7 

Mrs. Willif>' Will 

MyPard, 25e 6 

Man and Wife 12 

Maud's Peril 5 

Midnight Mistake 6 

Millie, the Quadroon 5 

Miriam's Crime 5 

Michael Erie 8 

Miller of Derwent Water 5 

Mistletoe Bough 7 

Mountebanks (The) , 6 

New York Book Agent 7 



^7 Our Country Aunt 4 

223 OldHonestv 5 8 

81 Old Phil's Birthday 5 2 

333 Our Kittie 6 3 

85 Outcast's Wife 12 3 

83 Out on the World 5 4 

331 Old Wayside Inn. The .9 6 

196 Oath Bound 6 2 

29 Painter of Ghent -5 3 

27« Penn Hapgood 10 3 

301 Peleg and Peter. 25c 4 2 

18 Poacher's Doom 8 3 

280 Pheelim O'Rookes' Curse 8 3 

5 Phyllis, the Beggar Girl ,6 3 

110 Reverses 12 6 

45 Rock Allen > 5 3 

363 Stub. 2oc 8 3 

79 Spy of Atlanta, 25c 14 3 

275 Simple Silas 6 3 

266 Sweetbrier 11 & 

336 Squire's Daughter 5 3 

351 The Winning Hand 6 2 

144 Thekla 9 | 

318 The Adventuress 8 6 

284 The Commercial Drummer.... 6 2 

242 The Dutch Recruit 25c 14 3 

67 The False Friend 6 1 

97 The Fatal Blow 7 1 

119 The Forty-Ninerg 10 4 

304 The General Manager 5 5 

93 The Gentleman in Black 9 4 

314 The Haunted Mill 5 4 

112 The New Magdalen 8 3 

322 The Raw Recruit 6 

71 The Reward of Crime 5 3 

306 The Three Hata 4 3 

105 Through Snow and Sunshine 6 4 

201 Ticket of Leave Man 9 S 

293 Tom Blossom 9 * 

193 Toodles 7 2 

277 The Musical Captain, 25c. 

200 Uncle Tom's Cabin 

290 Wild Mab 

121 Will-o'-the-Wisp 

41 Won at Last ^ 

192 Zion f 

TEBfPERANCE PLATS. 

73 At Laat 7; 

75 Adrift 

187 Aunt Dinah's Pledge.... 

254 Dot; the Miner's Daughter. 

202 Drunkard [The] 

185 Drunkard's AVaming 

189 Drunkard's Doom 

181 Fifteen Years of a Drunk- 
ard's Life 

183 Fruits of the Wine Cup.... 
104 Lost 



Muldoon s Blunders. 

FARCE COMEDY 

IN THREE ACTS. 

— BY — 

BilljT F. Lbb. 



.11 pvofessional vig-hts reserved by the author. For profea > 
sioiuil use address him for terms, at 56 Washington Ave., Richmond, 
Indiana. 



—TO WHICH IS ADDED 

A DESCRrPTION OF THE COSTUMES-CAST OF THE CHARAO 

TERS— EXTRA^~CES AND EXITS -RELATIVE POSITIONS 

OF THE PERFORMERS ON THE STAGE, AND THE 

WHOLE OF THE STAGE BUSINESS. 



-0 



Entered according to act of Congress in the j'ear 1900 by 

AMES' PUBLISHING CO.. 
in tlie office of the Librarian of Congi-ess at Washington. 



AMES' PUBLISHING CO. 

CLYDE^ OHIO: 



Larry Muldoox, (« .^«y o/(? loidoicer, creating a sue- ^ ./- 

cession of explosive bhi?id&)'s) Irish Comedian, 

Otto B. Honest, (« Christian Science minisier, devoted ffi/ j/ a^-^ 
to the hdief that everything is imagination) ... ^^^* '»j /yfrCf 
Ecc^!h-ic Tramp Comedy, 

Adolph Bismarck, {the ambitious 2)roprietor of Bis- 

marcks Cafe) German Comedian. ^ 

Toby Twilight, {the star icaiter at Bismarck'' s Cafe). . 

Etheopian Comedy. 

KoAH Count, {a cunning Frenchman, echo's schemes 

are a failure) Dialect Heavy. 

Katie Mui.doon, {a siceet little Irish girl, always next to 

her father) Soubrel t?. 

Jtjtjanna, {a u-ould-he-icidow ; the false icife of the Count) 

. Walking- Liidy. 

AViDOW McGkeeyy, (« real widoic, tcith an iron clad 

claim ujwn Muldoon) Com edy Lady 

Sal, Vation, {a member of the Salvation Army) 

^. Chorus Lady, 

AViNNiE "Wee ST, {belonging to the same aggregation . ... 

Chorus Lady. 

Katie MuLCOON, ) Doublecl. 

Winnie Werst. ) 

AViDOAY McGreeyy, I Doubled 

Sal. Yation, S ""'■•• 

TIME OF PLA YIWG—2 hours and 15 minutes. 

^ , TIME— The present 

:.;..;/• ^ _x— - -^^ : " 

- T: PLAGE— Neio York City 

- PROPERTIES. 

ACT T.— Newspaper, crepe, tack and hammer for Katie; basket of 
cloVlios, sad iron and hatchet for Widow; note for Toby; pistol loaded 
with taiank cartridges, coin, large ax for Muldoon; tin horn, bass 
drnm, headless barrel and a bottle of cold tea for Otto; tamborines 
for Sal. and Winnie;' large roll of manuscript and newspaper for 
Count; horse pistol and note for Bismarck; pen, ink and stationary 
on cabinet. .- . 

ACT rj.~Feather duster, flour and a large razor for Toby; a large 
sign inscribed. "Keep out! Thisplace is rented to Muldoon," pistol, 
iray filled with dishes (to be broken), sandwich and cup- of tea on 
Iriiv for Ijismarck; l^ible and document for Otto; wood crash off R.: 
lui-e sign inscribed "Keep out! Thisplace is rented to a baboon," 




MULDOON'S BLUNDERS. 

a liuiulful of slu'cidcd paper and money for Muldoon; complete table 
.service and silver napl<iii ring-, and tap bell on table; rawhide whip 
for Widow; coins and docnment for Count; letter for Julianna. 

ACT ill. — Coin and a glass of water and small vial of flour or soda 
for Widow; docnment, flonr drug and dagger for Count; check book, 
pen, ink, pack of playing cards^ and bottle of wine on table; trick 
lomahawk, (stulfed), sign inscribed, "drop a nickle in the slot", and 
a bottle of tea for Toby; liquor flask filled with cold tea, coin, old 
fashioned wallet and pistol for Muldoon; coin for Bismarck; putty 
flower and two pistols for Katie; dagger and a check for Julianna. 

COSTUMES. 

Muldoon. — Act 1st. Short seymour coat and vest, linen trousers 
and silk hat. Act 2nd.; 1st. dress, flashy wedding outfit; 2nd dress, 
same costume badty deranged, no coat and hat; 3rd. dress, green 
bicycle sweater and dinky little cap. Act 3rd., black suit, Turkish 
shawl and red Turkish c;i,p, green face mask, half bald red wig and 
short throat whiskers througliout pla}'. 

Otto. — ^Act 1st., genteel tramp attire; for act ending-, dress as per 
description. Act 2n(l., shabby Prince Albert coat, soiled white vest, 
plaid trousers, ancient silk iiat. Act 3rd., Spanish costume, red face 
mask, bliick wig and short stubby beard, (to be removed.) 

HrsMAUCK. — Linen suit, cap to match, no cap in Act 2nd. Half 
bald black Dutch wig and short chin beard throughout play. 

Toby. — x\ct Ist.. bhick coat and vest, linen trousers, light soft hat. 
Act 2nd., white duck jacket, black trousers. Act 3rd,, 1st. dress, 
ordinary servant costume; 2n(l dress, Indian costume; 3rd. dress, 
same as 1st. dress. Negro wig throughout play. 

Count. — Act 1st. and 2nd., ordinary business suit, black curly 
Avig and mustache. Act 3rd., black frock suit, face mask, wears 
short fashionable black beard, (to be removed.) 

Katie. — Act 1st., neat print dress, short curly blonde wig. Act 
2nd., pretty wedding- costume, hat to match, wears short curly black 
VN ig over blonde wig (to be removed), make up to resemble Julianna. 
Act 3rd., costume of (ioddess of Liberty, blue face mask. 

JuLr.iNNA.— Act 1st., walking costume. Act 2nd., full mourning 
costume, black bonnet and crepe veil. Act 3rd., evening costume, 
face mask, wears short curly black wig throughout play. 

Widow. ^ — Act 1st., soiled gingham dress aud apron". Act 2nd., 
full mourning costume, black bonnet and crepe veil. Act 3rd., 
stylksh reception costum<\ green face mask, wears traditional 
■•bridget" wig tlu-oughout play. - 

SAt;i,TE AND WiNNin:.— Blue dress, poke bonnet and tie strings. 



yi'AGL iJHiEClLONS. 

r... ine.'inss Ri-lit : i,., Left: i;. ii.. Rl<iiii Haml; i.. h., Lsft Ilaiul ; c, Center; s. e. 
\-M E.,1 Se.-oiul EHlvaiK-e: r. k., Upper Entrance; M. d., Midtlte Door; F., the 
Flat ; }i. > ., Door in i^'lat ; li. c, Right of (.'enter; l. c, Left of Ceutei-. 

K. 1!. t. c. L. c. L, 

*** The reailer Ls supposed to be upon the stage facing- the axidience. 



MULDOON'S BLUNDERS, 



ACT I. 

SCENE— MtjIjUOOI^'s law office— pldin inferior in 3rd grooves, icitJi street 
hacking in Jfth grooves; door in r. flat, and windoic in Js. flat, aho 
practical doors ii., 3 e. and l., 2e.; table and chairs k. c; typewriter, 
etc., on table; cabinet up c, against flat, also office chair, pen, ink and 
stationary on cabinet; couch up l. — curtain rises to lively music. 

Enter, Katie Muldoon, k., 3 e., reading a newspaper. 

Katie, (reading) "Wanted — a capable young actor at once. Call 
early at Mnldoon's law office, No. 13, Muldoon's Boulevard." {looks 
up) There now, if I don't fool papa, my name isn't Katie Muldoon. 
I'll show him a thing or two. In spite of his efforts to restrain me, 
1 am determined to go upon the stage, and I'll elope with the first 
actor that chances to come this way. , (l. c. 

Enter, Otto B. Honest, d. f., quickly. 

Otto. Then pack your trunk at once, (poses) The actor is here. 

(c. 

Katie. What! You don't mean to tell me that you're an actor? 

Otto. Oh, yes. Don't I look it? 

Katie. You are bold enough, I admit. What is your n/,me? 

Otto. At present my name is Honest. 

Katie. But are you Honest? 

Otto. I refuse to say. Ask the warden at Sing Sing. 

Katie. And can you really act? 

Otto. Can I act? Well, I shoi Id cough up a drop curtain! 

{crosses li. c. 

Katie, {crosses n. c.) We shall see. Suppose we rehearse a scene 
from "Under the Gaslight?" 

Otto. Did I understand you to say "Under the Gaspipe?" 

Katie. No; I said "Under the Gaslight." T'he principal scene 
occurs on a railroad Iraclc. 

Otto. That sounds real natural. 

Katie. The villain ties his rival on a railroad track at the mercy 
of the fast express. In the distance is heard the shrill whistle and 



MULD ON' S BL UNDER' S. 5 

rumbliug of the locomotive coming at full speed. There lies the 
poor fellow, helplessly bound to the track and no one to save him. 

Otto. Foolish man! Wliy don't he send for an insurance agent 
and take out a life policy? 

Katie. The villain lias also locked the heroine in a near-by hut to 
witness her lovers death. Hearing the cries of the doomed man, slie 
seizes an ax, bursts open the door, rushes out upon the track, flags 
the train and saves her lovers life. 

Otto. And tliey were soon united in marriage and their children 
are doing well. 

Katie. Wiiat do you think of it? 

Otto. The train might pass but the play is sidetracked, that's all. 

Kaiie. Don't you like it, then? 

Otto. Oh, yes, I like everything, including you, 

{touches her under the chin 

Katie. All right, then, we'll try it. I will be the heroine and yuu 
shall be the locomotive. 

Otto. Impossible! Impossible! 

Katie. And why not? 

Otto. I haven't touched water for seven years, and I caii't get on 
enough steam to pull tlie train. 

Katie. Then we will abandon the idea. Did you ever see Damon 
and Pythias? 

Otto. I never did. Who were they — Spaniards? 

Katie. No, tliey were noble Roman's. 

Otto. Indeed! Then I guess they must be some relation to me. 

Katie. What! You aren't a Roman, are you? 

Otto. Oh. yes; I've been a "roamin' " for many a moon, {aside) If 
I don't catch on here; I'll slill be a "roamin'." 

Katie. Then let's try our liand at Damon and Pythias. Now the, 
scene we'll rehearse will be the lines between Damon and LucuUus 
where Damon's horse has been stolen. 

Otto. That's right in my profession. Who steals the horse? 

Katie. A pirate. Damon has left his horse to the care of Lucullus. 
LncuUus wanders away and during his absence the animal is stolen. 
AVhen Lucullus returns and discov^ers that the horse is stolen, he be- 
comes desperade. Just then Damon enters and calls for his steed. 
Lucullus reveals the truth and Damon wrought with wrath, hurls 
abuse uiDon him. Not satisfied with that, he seizes Lucullus bv the 
throat and forces him to the ground, paying no heed to the plead- 
ings of Lucullus. 

Otto. I understand. I merely have to grab you by the throat and 
choke you to death, {going l.) Don't forget to give me my cue. 

{exit, L., 2 K. 

Katie, {goes up stage, then turns and comes down c.) "Damon's horse 
has been stolen. What shall I do? What shall I do?" 

Enter, Otto, l., 2 e. 

Otto. Ah, ha! old collars and cutfs! Where is me clothes horse? 

Katie. Ah, now, that isn't right. You should say "Lucullus" and 
"steed," and when you enter, stand erect a,nd throw out 3^our chest? 

Otto, {astonished) Throw out my chest? 

Katie. Yes, sir. 

Otto, {takes a pie-pan out from under his vest, and throu\3 it upon stage, 
—aside) Now I wonder how she knew 1 had that hid? 



6 MULDOON'S BLUNDER'S 

Katie. Oh! what's that? 

Otto. That's my chest. 

Katie. Now if you don't be more serious, I won't play with you at 
all. 

Otto. Don't get angry, Lucy, {going) Don't forget to give nie 
my cue. (mY, l.,3e. 

Katie, (same business as before) "Damon's horse has been sloleu. 
What shall I do? What shall I do?" 

Knte?; Otto, l., 2 e. 

Otto. Ah, ha! LucuUus! (strikes a comic attitude) Where is me 
sleed? 

Katie. My lord, I do not know. 

Otto, {catching Iter by the wrist) Thouest dooest knowest— speakest ! 

Katie, {kneels) O! Damon, my lord, thy horse has been stolen. 

Otto, {appalled) Stolen! Oh, this is worse than weiner-worst: 
imzes her throat) Tell me, who stole my clothes horse— the only 
clothes I ever owned — the clothes horse I loaned your wife to dry 
your shirts upon? Who stole it, eh, who stole it? {shaking her 

Katie, {dnnng above speech) Oh, have mercy! Help! mercy! help! 

{orchestra or piano music 

During the above, enter Widow McGreevy, d. f., quickly, carrying 
basket of clothes on her shoulder — she drops basket, rushes down and 
23ulling Otto away /rowi Katie, she seizes him by the coat collar, runs 
him up stage and p)us7ies him out d. f. — crash outside — Widow stands 
near door, shakes fist— KA.TVE.doiDni,., laughing— music ceases. 

Widow, {pretends striking at an imaginary opponent) Begorry, I fa]e 
loike a men ! 

Katie, {laughing) Ha, ha, ha! That fellow is probably of the 
opinion that you are one. {Jioldingher sides) Oh, dear! I never had 
so much fun. ('*^«^« 

Widoic. Fun is it? Divil a bit o' fun did I see at all. 

Katie. ' That is because you didn't understand it. We were only 
in fun— rehearsing a play, that's all. 

Widow. Arrah! thin I'm a dunce fer interferin'. But I say, 
Avhare's Mister Muldoon? 

Katie. He spent last night trying to settle a society scandal out of 
court, and I expect he's abed yet. 

Widow. An' has he told ye about it yit? 

Katie. About what? ■ ' 

WidoiD. {pushing her gently) Go 'long now, ye know all about it 

Katie. Upon my life, I don't. What is up? 

Widoic. Nothin' but joy an' happiness. I'm soon to be married 
fer the fifth toime. 

Katie, {surprised) \'V^h2iV. 

Wido'ic. It's so. 

Katie, {playfidly) Oh, you giddy old girl! 

Widoic. {immensely tickled) He, he, he! Ain't I terrible? Oh, 1 
fale so divilish! 

Katie. And who is the lucky man? 

Widoic. He's a true Irish mon an' his name is Larry Muldoon. 

Katie. 1 knew it! I knew it all tlie time. And when does, the 
- wedding take place? 



3IULD00N'S BLUNDER'S, 7 

Widoic. Jisl as soon as yer father kin -spare the toime from his 
profishional jiities. ' , 

Katie. Then you may trust to me for a speedy marriage. 1 11 urge 
papa to net a move on himself and take charge of you at once. But 
vou are a little early with our washing this M^eek, aren't you? 
" Widow. Yis, wan day ah id o' toime. This is me day wid the Sal- 
vation army, ve know. 

Katie. So it is; and by the way, that reminds me— why can't we 
j)lav a ioke on papa? 

Widm. I'm in fer it. What kin we do? 

Katie. V\\ tell you. Suppose you bring your army down here and 
give liim a serenade? 

Widow. No, no, Katie. He moight git mad. 

Katie. Oli. no, he won't. If he does, I'll take all-the blame. 

Widoic. Will ye, Katie? 

Katie. Sure, 1 will. 

Widoio. Thin, begorry, I'll do it. I'll bring me army down here 
an' drown the place Avid salvation. 

Katie. That's the ticket! How funny too. Ohl won't we laugh? 

Widoic. -Sure, an' we'll all die a laughin'. The undertaker will do 
a terrible bizness. 

Katie. But when will the fun take place? 

Widoic. Jist as soon as I kin git me army together. 

Katie. Then you had better make haste. I am expecting papa 
here at any moment. 

Widoic. {going up li.) I'm ofl; at wance. (near d. v.) An' Katie, 
kinder have the ould gintlemon in a good humor jist afore we git 
here. 

Katie. Sure thing! I'll tickle him with a feather. 

Widoic. Oh, Muldoon, Muldoon! Ye air in fer it, now! 

{exit, D. F. 

Katie, (laughing) Ha, ha, ha! Someone else- is in for it, too, I'm 
thinking. Now this is just what I've been wishing for— a bit of fun, 
and I williiave it, too. " This seemingly harmless joke is bound to 
cause trouble betsveen papa and Mrs. McGreeVy. Then L can stand 
aside and laugh to my liearls content. 

Mid. (ofD.Y.) Don't ye iver belave it! The Timprance party 
won't carry this state, not by a jugful!^ Talk is chape, but it takes 
foive dollar bills lo buy votes in New Yorruk. : 

Katie. Hello, here comes the old gentleman, now! (going k. e.) t 
must make him think that I always work. 

Sit^ 11. c. and icorks rapidly at taUe— orchestra or piano music,-' 'The 
icearing of the green," for 'MuL'D00i!i's entrance. 

Enter, Laiiiiy Mui.poox, d, f., hrisldg. 

Mill Good marnin', Katie, good marnin'. 

Katie, {icithout looking up) Good morning, papa. You are a little 
late tliis morning? 

Mill Yes. but I got thot society scandal settled at last. 

Katie. How did you settle it? , 

Mid. Tlie mon paid back the kiss to his woife an' now 11iey;re 
livin' together ag'in. {trying to take off his- hat) Now Nyliat ails thot 
lull anyhc>\v? 

Katie. Perhaps your head is a trifle evplanded. 



8 MULD OiV' S BL UNDER S. 

Mill Ye air wrong-, me bid is not expanded. It's the dommed 
ha't thot's disbanded. ^Qoes and sits at cabinet vp c. 

£:ati6. (aside) I'll bet he's been out on another spree! 

{rise& and crosses h. c. 

Mul. Any mail this marnin'? 
Katie, Lots of it, and a female too. 
Mul Indadel Who was she? 

Katie. Mrs. McGreevj-. She spoke well of you, too. 
Mul. What did she say? 

Katie. Never mind. She told me all about it. But I say, papa, 
when are you going to change her name? 

Mul. I danno. I'd marry her at wance, only I'm afeard to do it. 
Katie, {l. of 7iim) What are you afraid of ? 
Mitl. Katie, kin I confide in ye? 
Katie. To be sure you can. 

Mul. Thin I'll tell ye. I can't marry the widdy, bekase— bekase 
I'm ingaged wid another woman. 

Katie. Oh, you fickle old man! Aren't you ashamed of yourself? 
Mul. No, I'm only disgusted, thot's all. Now what the divil am 
I to do? 
Katie. I don't know, I'm sure. Who is this woman you speak of? 
Mul. She's a Frinch widdy called Julianny. I met her on the 
Bowery about a year ago, whin she was singin' in a concert. Our 
acquaintance soon ripened into friendship, an' afore I knew it, she 
had me bound wid an ingagment ring. 
Katie. It's just too bad. I feel so sorry for you. 
Mul. (rising) Don't mintion it, I fale sorry fer mesilf. Now 
what would ye advoise me to do? 
Katie. Marry the one you love best, that's what. 
Mul. But Katie, if I marry the widdy, thin Julianny will sue me 
fer britch of promise. 

Katie, {crosses i\. c.) Let her sue! You're a lawyer — you can de- 
fend yourself. 

3Iul. (c.) An' I'll do it, too! I'll marry the wiildy, the choice of 
me heart. 

Katie. You're a sensible man. JuSt leave everything to me and 
I'll have you married within twenty-four hours. 
Mul. Will ye, Katie? 

Katie. Sure, I will. Now what sort of a wedding do you want- 
public or private? ^ 

jMul. Begob, I want a public jamboree — ajinuine Irish blowout. 
Katie. And you shall have it. I'll rent a stylish cafe and get out 
a thousand invitations. {(j'oea to d. f. 

Mill. Now where are ye goin'? 
Katie. I must see Mrs. McGreevy at once and tell her all about it. 

{exit, D. F. 
Mill. Oh, I tell ye, Katie is a good girrul. Wlnnevei- t git mesilf 
into trouble, she helps me out. So I'll take her advoise an' marry 
the widdy McGreevy. Thin if .lulianny sues me ftn- ilamage. I'll 
ingage mesilf as her lawyer, an' she'll loose the suit. Ah, ha, Mul- 
doon! it's a schamer, ye are. What a great alderman ye would 
make indade. 

{■paciis to lUidfro, \\. and r.., highlij elated, husine:<s witJt roat titiU 



MULDOON'S BLUNDER'S. 9 

Filter, Toby Twilight, d. f. — stands near door icatchinfj ]\Iuldoox. 

Toly. {aside) Fer goodness sake! De ole man has got 'em suah! 
{advancing) Sa3^ Mistah Maldoon, am you doin' a cake walk .^ 

Mul. (l. c.) Sor? 1 have not the i^lazare av yer acquaintance. 
Plaze interjuce yersilf. 

Toby. (r. c.) Kum off, ole man! You knows me. 

Mill. Whist now! Don't ye try iny confidence racket on me. 
Idintify yersilf at wance, or I'll banish ye into the strate. 

Toby. Oh, I doan' know! I doan' see any Fitz-cinnamon medals 
hangin' on you. 

Mul. But I wear an electric belt jist the same. Now would ye be 
shocked?* 

Toby. No, sail! Dat doan' change my current de least bit. 

Mul. {crosses :r. c.) Enough o' this! What's yer name? 

2'oby. (l. c.) My name am Toby Twilight, an' I's a wa'am pea- 
nut. Now does you know me? 

Mul. {bewildered) What! Air ye the naygur thot bruck a chiny 
plate upon me hid down at Bismark's Cafe wan noight?{ 

Toby, {exercising his riyht arm) Yes, an' I kin hurt you agin. 

Mul. Don't be too dogmatic about thot. What do jq want here? 

Toby. I want's fo'ty dollars, dat's what! 

Mul. Forty dollars! 

Toby. Yes, an' I kin prove it. {gives note 

Mul. {opens note) What's this, I dunno? {reads) "Larry Mul- 
doon, debtor, in account witli Adolph Bismark, creditor. Amonnt, 
due, four week's board, Muldoon and daughter, forty dollars. Pay 
me real quick, or I'll make you sick. Signed, Adolpli Bismark.'' 
{crushes note) It's all a mistake! I paid thot claim last wake. 

Toby, {crosses n. c.) You's anodder! You didn't! 

Mul. (l. c) I say [ did. An' Bismark knows it. It's a dirthy 
blackmailin' scheme, so it is. {crosses ii. c/ 

Toby, {crosses 1.. c.) 'Tain't neidder! I know's I's a black mail, 
but I hain't got no scheme, I jest wants fo'ty dollars, dat's all. 

Mul. Well, ye'll not git it. 

I'oby. Den dat settles it. {pulling up his sleeves) Mistah Bismark 
done tole me, I eidder had to collect dat mun or else I had to take it 
out of yoh hide. {crosses i;. c. 

Mul. {crosses -L. c.) Come on. thin! ]\[e hide is full of money. 
I wance tuk the gold cure, {bracing himself— orcheUra or piano music 

Toby, {cautiously) I accepts yoh invitation. Look out foah me! 

Toby springs at Muldoon, clutching Jiis throat — ^luiiDooN firmly seizes 
Toby by the shoulders; a lively scuffle ensues, during lohich thefolloio- 
ing conversation takes p)lace. 

Mul. {cJioJving) Ouch! Lave go o' me nick! Ye air chokin' me. 

Toby, {ambitiously) Suah! Dat's my intentions. 

Mul. Ye wall-eyed naygur! Take yer paws off me nick, or I'll 
pulverize ye! 

Toby. Kain't do it. My fingers am crampy. 

Mul. Thin down ye go! 

{forces Toby to the floor, falling Jieavily upon him 

Toby, {underneath, kicking at Muldoon) Oh. 'mu'dah! mu'dah! 
Git off m}"- storamick! I's loosin' my breaff. 



10 MULL Oy S BL UXDEB'S. 

Mid. {strildng Toby in the face) Sure I . Thot's me i u tuitions. . 7? 
.Toby, {.same as before) You Irisli debbil! Stop tickliu' my face, 

Mvl. {hitting him repeatedly) I can't do it. I've lost control ofnio 
arms. [both engage in a muttering conversation with each other 

Enter, Katie, d. p., quicMy. 

Katie. T lieaj'd some one cr}^ murder, {discovers situation) Oh, 
Avhal's this! {excitedly) It's i^apa flighting a blackman. Oli, dear! 
{catche>i Mui.doon by the coat and attemptif to pull him away) Papa, 
papal Get lip from there this instant! Get up, I say! 

Katie succeeds in pulling Muldoon apart from Toby, who rises indantly 
and darts out d. f. 

Mul {wildly)- Stop him! Stop the naygur! 

{attempts to run up stage 

Katie, {pulling him back) Papa, papa, you must be crazy! 

Mul. {business) Oh, I'm daffy! Howld me fast afore I do some- 
thin' disperate. 

Katie, {giving him a jerk) Will 3'ou please be still! 

Mtil. {exhausted) Yis. (music ceases 

Katie. Now I'd like to know Avhat you Mere fighl inu- about ■.' 

Mul. The coon insulted me. Ould Bisraark — bad 'cess 1(j him ! — 
sint the naygur here to collect a bill thot I had already paid. 

Katie. AYell, 1 am sure, you shouldn't have iiunished the darkey 
for it. 

Mul. But he forced me to it. I ayther had to pay him or foight 
him. 

Katie. Then you ought to liave paid him and saved the Irouble. 

Mul. Not on yer loife! I preferred to pay him wid me fists an' 
save the money." .Did ye see the widdy? 

Katie. Not yet. But I'll see her though, directly. 

Mul. Plaze do so. (goes l. 

Katie, (ii. c.) Now what are you going to do? 

Mvl. I must brush me clothes a bit. t fale loike a door-mat. 

(e.vit, I-., 2 K. 

Katie. Poor man! Tf he only knew it. his troubles have Just^ com- 
menced. I'll notmention the wedding to Mrs. McGreevy at present. 
1*11 wait until after the Salvation Army has done iL"s worl<, then I 
will know what is best for me to<lo. {a knock at d. f., Katik starts) 
Hello! who's that, I wonder? {nms up to d. f. and opens door) Good- 
morning, ma'am. Gome in. 

^?2/er, JULIAISJS-A. Di F. 

J0anna. Good-morning. Is zis Mistare ^ful<loon"s ofllice? 

Katie. It is. AVon't you be seated? (phicis a chair i\, c. 

Jul. {seated) Ah! you are ver' kind, indeed. 

Katie, (c.) Oh! don't mention it. I am kind to everyone. Would 
you like to see the distinguished gentleman? 

Jul. Ef you please. 

Katie, {going i,.) Then I will call him. {ati,.,_2Y.. — asidt) This 
must be Julianna. *'{exit,-i.., 2 k. 

Jul (surveyingly) So zis is ze ole man's office, eh? Yot a mesera- 
ble place! ever' sing in disorder. Now is my chance to make ze 



MULDOON'S BLUNDERS, 11 

master stroke. Muldooii is a rich ole widower, an' I need him in my 
business. Ze ole fool has proposed to he my husband, and I will see 
zat he stands by his proposition. 

-»i-: .- ' ".".'Z.' .; - Enter, Katie, l., 2 b. 

Katie. He will see j'ou directly. (Julianna courtesks to Katie, 
she crosses up r., aside) Oh, ain't she a peach! We won't do a thin;^ 
to her! (exit, ii. , n k. 

Jul {looking l.) He comes, (rises and stands c, firmli/) Now 
Jullanna, make your bluff good. 

' Enter, Muldoon, l., 2 e. 

Mill Good-marnin', mum. {recognizing her) What! It's Julianny! 
{down h., crushed) Oh, the divil! 
Jul Ah! now Larry, don't call me zat. Come and kiss your 

Julianna. ^ ^ , ^ ^ ^ ^^^, . . 

Mul Ye brazen beauty! I thought ye would come. What do ye 

want o' me? 

Jul SatisCaction. • 

Mill Is thot so? Well, I havn't any, so ye may as well git out. 

Jul I vill do nossing of ze kind. I came here for a purpose and 
1 vill not go until 1 am satisfied. 

Mul Ye terrify me! AVhat Avould ye do? 

Jul I vould recall ze past. You vonce loved me, eh, Larry? 

Mul {nervously) I dunno. Mebbeldid. 

Jul And zen vou proposed marriage, did you not? 

Mul Yis, but'l wor drunk then, an' didn't know what I wor doin'. 

Jul You did it just ze same, and I vill hold you to it. 

Mul {crosses li. c.) Hould nothin'! Ye air tryin' to rope me in. 

Jul (T;. c, haughtily) And I vill do it, too. 

Mul Ye schamin' adventuress! 1 understand ye now; ye want 
me money, thot's all. 

Jul You are meestaken, Larry. I vant you! 

{points at Isim.jyoo'S 

Mill Is thot so? Well, begob, ye can't have me. {folds his arms 
and assumes an air of dignity) I'm above yer dignity. 

Jul {threatens him) Be careful, sare! Ef you refuse me, I vill 
cause you trouble. 

Mul {crosses 1,. c.) Let 'er go! I loike trouble, inyliow. 

Jul Ve shall see. {goes up k., quickly) Ze next time ve meet vill 
be in a court room, and zare I vill obtain justice. Do you hear me, 
you ole fool— justice! . (exit, d. f.. exultingly 

Mul Ah, she's daffy! Who iver heerd tell av justice in a court- 
room? But fer fear she does sue me, what kin 1 do L(v save me 
money? {reflects) Ah. I have it! Fll commit suicide an' take me 
money wid me. {takes instolfrom pocket) It's a great schame, an' 
begorry, I'll do it. 

Mm.T>oo^ rushes of ^... 2e., closing door after Mm-'Kx'nK peeps on -r., 
• 3 E., ih.'ii witMraws--i pistol shot is h:uird of i.. ^^orchrsfra or piano 
music (( funeral dirge. 



IS 



MULDOON'S BLUNDER'S. 



Enter, Katie, r., 8 e., sloicly, sJieJtas a crepe and a Jtammer in 

head sligJttly boiced; she crosses l., skmly and lacks crepe on door l., 
2 E. : shakes her head solemnly and re-cross ii. sloicly and exit, k., 3 
E. — music ceases. 

Enter, Muldoon, l., 2 e., pistol m hand.. 

(donnheaiied) It's no use tryin'. I can't shoot mesilf wid a blank 
catridye. 



Mui.DOON tears crepe off dooi' and exit, l., 2 e.^ 
"Yankee JDoodle.'^ 



-orchestra or piano music, 



Enter. Sat>yation Army. d. f., Widow McGheeyy in the le.id: xj,e is 
bJotcirKj a tin horn,folloiced by Sallie and Winnip:, playiny tambour- 
■i/ies, Otto bringing up lice rear, beating a bass drum — playing mul 
singing, they march around room ad lib., singing the folio tcing ic or ds 
set to the air of ''Yankee Doodle."" 

A mig-bt}^ arm}', that ^Ye are, 

Oiii* motto is Salvation, 

We blow the horn and sound the drum 

All over this creation. 

See how grand we march along, 
AVe're busy every minute; 
Don't you thinlv we're out o' sight? 
Oh I ain't we sirictiy in it? 

Widoii". (vpon chair, n. c.) Brothers an' sisters! Be aisy now, an' 
listen to me. 

Otto, {doicnjj., contimies singing and beating drum) 

See how grand we march along, 
We ain't a bit of bother. 
Father struck a job to-day, 
Just break the neAvs to mother. 

Widow, (savagely) I sa}^ listen to me! 

Otto. Oh, did you? Excuse me. (Sally and Winxii<: doirn n. 

Widow. Xow brothers iin' sisters, ye all iaiow thot wc Jiave as- 
simbled here fer the purpose av savin' a sowl. 

Otto. You mean a lialf sole. ' 

Widow. Shut up! We are not cobblers. We are a band av noble 
workers. 

Winnie. ) 

Hally. i 

Otto, {sounding drum) A women! 

Widoic. Shut up! 

Otto. Wliat do you take me for — an umbrella? 

Widow. No indade! Ye air too afeard av water fer thot. 
brotliers an' sisters, 1 want to say thot l'\e been acquainted v\ i 

^'■"'' ■■" '" ' av yoavs, nil' he nades salvation. He 

■rl A baiidid! A cut-tliroat! 
[Islti.DOO^ peeps out J,., 2 e., ia. a aiate of surprise 

Omnes. Oh pity! 



!Muld()0ii I'er 
tiiafe! A hi: 



Amen 



a number 
liway robl) 



Now 
d Mr. 

s a 



MtfLDOOn'S BLUH^DEU'S. ' IB 

Widow. Whin runnin' fer public office, he once gave a mon a bad 
dollar to vote fer him, an' thin, afiher his eliction, he helped sind 
thot same mon to Sing Sing fer passin' counterfeit money. 

Mill, {aside) Begorry, she's daffy! 

(Katie ^^^P^ on e., 3 e., 'pointing and laugldng at jMuldoon 

Widow. But in spoite av the fact thot Muldoon resimbles a baboon, 
he is a human mortal widall, an' it's our downroight juty to restore 
him to glorious salvation. 

Omnes. Hurrah! 

3IuL (aside) Oh, I'll assassinate thot woman! {xanislies 

Widow. Now brothers an' sisters, ye well know tliot I am a great 
advocate fer the timprance cause. 1 am strictly in favor av puttin' 
the liquor traffic down. 

(Otto takes lottUfrom xjoclcet, hands to Widow 

Omnes. Noble sister! 

Widow. I firmly belave in free government — free religion — free 
silver — free lunch — {takes a drink 

Otto. Free beer. 

Widow. Ivery wan av us are brave heroes, an' not cowards. We'll 
shoulder our muskets an' foight fer Uncle Sam, wavin' the starry 
banner av freedom. An' if any Avan dares attempt to pull down the 
American flag, we'll shoot him wid an army contract. 

Mui.DOON quickly appears at l., 2 -e., fires a pistol at Widow, fJien dis- 
appears. 

{VsiTiO^Y with hand over heart, jump)s down) Howly St. Patrick! I be- 
lave I'm shot; 

Otto, {to audience) Huh! She's only half shot. 

Orchestra or piano music, ''Yankee Doodle.'^ Salvation army marches 
around room, playing and singing, same as lohen they entered — 
exeunt, d. f. 

Enter, Mui.doon, l,, 2 e., enraged, paces floor excitedly —Ka.tie is peep- 
ing on II., 3 E., laughing at him. 

Mul. {pacing floor) "He'sathafe! A highway robber! A bandit! 
A cut-throat!" Oh! I wonder av she takes me fer a bank cashier? 
Thot woman has no manhood about her at all. {calls) Katie! Katie! 

Enter, Katie, e., 3 e., suppressing her laughter, 

Katie. Yes, papa? 

Mul. Come here to me! Katie, kin ye run? (l. c. 

Katie. You bet I can! I'm a tiioroughbred. 

Mul. Here thin, take this HTty cints, {gives coin) an' overtake the 
widdy at wance. Pay her fer this wakes washi.n', an' tell her thot 
our ingagement is at an end. 

Katie. Oh no, papa, you surely don't mean that? 

Mul. Indade 1 do' Ye kin fiirther stfite to her ladyship, thot whin 
she does me family washin' ag'in, it'll be a could day in July. 

Katie. But if I tell her that, it will cause trouble. 

Mul. Well, thot's what I'm lukin' fer! {commandingly) Run on 
now, an' deli\er me missage! 



14 31ULL00WS BLUNDER'S, 

Katie, {runs up to D. f.) All right, sir! I'll tell her woyd for word. 

{eMt, D. F, 

Mill. Xow I'm aven ^vid the ould washerwoman. Me next move 
is to many Julianny. It'll spite the Aviddy. an' begob, I'll dolt! 
V\\ write "her a letter at wance. {sits at cabinet uj) c, writes) "Dear 
Juliauny, 1 have decided to marry ye. If ye approve av it, mate me 
at Bismarks Cafe, to-morrow avenin' at 8 o'clock, an' come prepared 
1o be me Avoife. Yours, Muldoon." {puts letter in envelope, but iloe.'< 
1 ot seal it, addresses envelope) "Julianny, General Delivery, City." 
(rises) In spoite av the widdy, I still breathe the air av matrimony, 
AVhin Katie returns, I'll have her mail the letter, (c.^a ktiocJc at p. f.) 
Come in! 

Enter, Noah Count, d. f., quickly, carrying a large roll of manuscript 
tinder Jiis arm and a newspaper m hand. 

Count. Is zis Muldoon's law office? r. c. 

Mill. It ain't no pest house. 

Count. And are you'ze Mistare Muldoon? 

jMuL I belave so. What kin I do fer ye? 

Count. I am vone noble Count, born in ze city of Paree, France. 

Mill. Ye are? 

Count. Not long since I come here from ze beautiful city of 
Montreal. 

Mill. Whare's Montreal? 

Count: In ze Dominion of Canada. 

Mul. What the divil did Montreal do thot it had to go to Canady ? 

Count. Nossing. Montreal is ze grand city vot alvays be in 
Caniida. Jt is ze capitol of ze Dominion. 

Mill. T understand. What the bowery is to New Yorrnk, Montreal 
is the same to Canad}'. 

Count, {unrolls manuscript) I have here wlz me a reg'lar fortune. 

Mul. What is it — a paper mill? 

Count. Not so. It is ze grand play of Faust Junior vot I writes 
myself. 

Mill. Ye wrote it yersilf? 

Cou?it. Yes, sare. (reads) "Act first is ze roof garden. Faust 
Jr. be all alone at ze rise of ze curtain, drinking beer." 

3ful. Why don't he drink whiskey? 

Count, (reads) "He wants to take ze gold cure." 

3ful. Sind him to Klondyke. 

Count, (reads) "Zen Mephisto appears." 

Mul. Wlio's McFisto? 

Count. He be ze president of hell. 

Mill. The divil he is! 

Count, (reads) "Mephisto say ef Faust take ze gold cure he can- 
not have ze beautiful Marquerite. Faust zen bind hiself to ze powder 
of Mephisto and remain ze vone doomed man to win ze idol of his 
heart — Marguerite." 

Mnl. Well, what's all this rat killin' got to do wid me? 

Count. Ever'sing. Do a favor and it vill make a happy man of 
me. 

Mul A happy mon? I'll do it! I kin git ye an abstract divorce 
fer Iwinty dollars 



-5 

4 



MULDOON'S BLUNDER'S. 15 

Count. No zare, not zat! I be not vanting no divorce at all. 

Mill. Thin what do ye want? 

Count. I vant you to buy ze play and engage my services. 
' Mul Oh, do ye? 

Count. Yes, sare. 

Mul Mr. Count, do I look loike a sucker? 

Count, No, sare. {starts down r, 

Mul. {pulling Mm lack) Am I the color av a squash? 

Count. No, sare. {same biz as before 

Mul. {biz as before) Did ye iver see me pitchin' hay? 

Count. No, sare. {same biz 

.Mul. {same as before) Are me pants tucked down in me boot-tops? 

Count. No, sare. 

Mul: Tliin I'm not the farmer ye take i^ie fer. {turns l. 

Count, {following him) But sare — 

Mul. {interrupting) Ah, close up yer face! Ye can't work any 
bunco game on me. If ye want to sell yer play, ye'U have to strike 
a softer snap thin me. 

Count. Bat you advertise for an actor, just ze same. 

Mul. Ye are crazy! I did nothin' av the Ivoind, 

Count. But you did! Now, zat I come, you insult me. After all, 
I believe you nossing but a big humbug. 

Mul. {crosses r. c.) Ye're a liar! I'm a silver bug. 

Count, (l. c.) It make no diff'rence vot you be. Here, look in 
ze newspaper and see for yourself. {gioes newspaper 

Mul. {reads) "Wanted — a capable young actor at wance. Call 
early at Muldoon's law office, number thirteen, Muldoon's Boulevard. " 

{looks up bewildered 

Count. Ah, you see? 

Mul. Indade, I do! An' I think I know the cause av it, too. 

Count. Yot be it? 

Mul. Ye should know thot I have a stage struck daughter; an' in 
spoitc of me ifferts to stop her, she seems determined to go upon the 
stage. I have previnted her more thin wance, an' thanks to ye, [ 
have trapped her ag'in. 

Count. Ah, I understand. She dozis on ze sly. 

Mul. Not very sly, bekase I'm onto her racket. But after all, it's 
a quiet joke an' the laugh is on me. 

Count. How funny! Ha, ha, ha! {laughing 

Mul. {laughing) He, he, he! Come wid me an' take a ginuine 
snioile. {takes Count by the arm and goes l. 

Count. Yere vill ve go? 

3Iul. {at L., 1 E.) We'll step across the strate, an' enjoy a social 
glass of — alum!^limonade. {exeunt, l., 1 e. 

Enter, Katie, d. f. 

Katie. It's all over with papa, now. I haVe just seen Mrs. Mc- 
rji-eevy. and tlie way she carried on, convinces me tliat papa is siire 
to all end his own funeral, and that before loiig, too. {discovers letter 
oncahin'ei) Hello! Avhat's this? {reads address) "Julianna, General 
Delivery. Cily." {looks up) I smell a mouse! 1 must locate it. 
(opeuK htler and reads:) "Dear Julianna, I have decided to marry you. 
ir vol! api)rove of it, meet me at Bismark's Cafe, on to-morrow even- 



le MULDOOIPS BLUNDER'S. 

ing at eight o'clock, and come prepared to be my wife. Your.'i, 
MuLDOON." Ah, ha! I think I understand tlie old gentleman. He 
is smitten with Mrs. McGreevy and intends to marry the charming 
•lulianna. liiit that sluill never be. Oh, goodness no! He must 
nicirry Mrs. McGreevy. I'll soon put a stop to this business, {sits at 
cabiriet and icrites) ''Dear Julianna, I invite you to be present at 
Jiismark's Cafe on to-morrow (Wednesday) evening at eiglit o'clock 
10 see me married to a woman I'aryour superior. Yours, Muldoon." 
( pui.'i letter in eiiTelope, rises and crushes Muldoon's original one) There 
now, that substitute will fix it! He will probably mail the letter 
without even looking at it again. To carry the joke farther, I must 
reveal the wedding to Mrs. McGreevy and invite her to be present. 
]ii tlie meantime I'll concoct some sort of a deception that will fool 
l^apa. (c- 

Enter, Adolph Bismarck, d. f., quickly, 

Bismarclc. Ah, dere Katie! How you vos? 

Katie, (l. c.) Why, good morning, Mr. Bismark. Have you used 
Pears soap? 

Bis. (k. c.) Nein! I use ''Pride Uff Der Laundry," two bars for 
five cents. Vere vos your paw-paw? 

Katie. I think he just stepped out. 

Bis. Dot vos an awful good t'ing for him. 

Katie. What is the matter now? You aren't mad at him, I hope? 

Bis. Yaw, I bade you, I vos. I hear dot he say somedings aboud 
me vhen mine back vos lookin' at his face. 

Katie. Then he has been backbiting you, has he? 

Bis. Yell, 1 should say so. He bite a big hole in mine back 
al read}^ 

Katie. What did he say ? 

Bis. He say dot 1 vos a dutchmans. Now, I leaf it to you, uff I 
look like a dutchmans. Mine fadder vos born in Hong Kong, 
li'phmd, und mine mudder vos born in Sherusalem. Effry inch utf 
ni(^ vos American, und don't you forgot dot. {crosses l. 

Katie, {crosses u.) That's riglit, Mr. Bismark. Always be an 
American and you will never suffer defeat. 

Bis. ])esides dot, vhen I send mine servant here to get some 
money, your paw-paw scrap mit him uud treat him pad, und for dot 
\o\]e t'ing\ I vos goin' to have revenge. 

Katie. Don't you dare to harm papa! 

Bis. Nein! I von't harm him! Yot I do to your paw-paw vill be 
done so soon it von't haff time to harm him. 

( 2niUs up his sleeves and crosses r. comically 

Katie, (crosses l.) You had better go slow, sir! 

Bis. Yaw, I vill go slow mit his funeral by'n'bye. 

K(tie. {affrighted) Oh, dear! Can't I act as a peacemaker for 
you? 

Bis. I t'inks not. Mine fists vill do der peace makin'. But here. 
Katie, gift' dis leetle note to j-our paw-paw vhen he cooms, {gives note) 
und tell him dot I vill soon coom back, {takes a .step up stage, then, 
turns down) Und vhen I do coom back, I vos goin' to shoot, {takeff 
(Oi other f<tfp) und vhen I shoots, I shoots to kill! 

Katie, [^nervoushj) Oh, my heart! 



MULDOON'S BLUNBEirS. 17 

Bis. (business as before) Und if you see yonu paw-paw before I 
do, took some goot looks mit him for der last time, because he vill 
iietfer smile some more, (at i). ¥.) Und Katie, vheu he cooms it), 
sUoost tell him dot you saw me. {exit, d. f. 

, Katie. Well! the chances are good Cor me to become an orphan. 
I wonder if he really means business'.' 

Enter, Muldoon, l. , 1 e. 

Mul. Katie, ye air the very girl I want to see. Did ye overtake 
the widdy? 

Katie. Yes, indeed! And she is now on her way here to overtake 
you. 

Mul. Well, let 'er come! {goes up to cabinet) I'll sittle her bizness! 

{seals letter and comes down 

Katie. What now? 

Mul. Whoile ye have on yer runnin' shoes, ye kin do me a partic- 
ular errand. 

Katie, {gleefully) O goody! T just love to do errands. 

Mul. {looks at lier mysteriously a moment) Now this letter is a 
valuable treasure, an' 1 want ye to be careful, {gives letter) Take it 
to tlie post office an' afore ye drop it in the slot, put a stamp on it. 

Katie. How about stamp money? 

Mul. Did ye pay Mrs. McGreevy the fifty cints? 

Katie. No, I forgot it. 

Mid. Good! ye kin take two cints out o' the fifty, an' give the 
balance to the widdy. {crosses u. 

Katie, {crosses!^.) But papa, that would be dishonest. 

Mul. Well, no matter, I'm a lawyer. 

Katie. By the way, Mr. Bismark was here awhile ago, and left 
this note for you. {gives note) You had better read it and learn his 
intentions. 

Mul. {opening note) The climate is growin' warmer, {reads) 
"Muldoon, from Ireland — original decindent from the family of 
baboons." {looks up horrified) Oh, the villain! 

Katie. What does he say? 

Mul. He calls me the original decindent from the family of 
baboons. Think o' that, Katie! 

Katie. Punch his head! 

Mul. I'll do it! {reads aloud) "No wonder yer woife died. That 
face of your is enough to kill an Egyptian mummy." 

Katie. It's an outrage! 

Mul. I'm in a rage! {reads aloud) "Ye owe me forty dollars. An' 
if ye don't pay me what ye owe me, ye'll still owe me what ye owe 
me." 

Katie. How true! 

Mul. Katie, what did he say ? 

Katie. He said that he would soon come back, and when he does 
comeback, he is going to shoot, and when he shoots, he shoots to 
kill. 

Mul {crosses l., quickly) That sittles it! I'll see that man! 

Katie, (r. c.) What are you going to do? 

3Iul. I am goin' to borry Gilhooly's ax. {exit, l,, 1 e. 

Katie. And that means a terrible tragedy. I must mail this letter 
in haste and hurry back before the show begins, {exit, d. p., quickly 



18 MVLDOOTS SLt'XDJ^R'S. ^ 

Enter, Otto B. Honest, throvgli mndoic in l. fiat. 

Otto. 01), this is me. My ancestors lanslit me that windows werr^ 
made for other purposes besides ventilation. 1 wonder wliere tliis 
man Muldoon can be? {sits e. c.) 1 understand that lie is about to 
marry a woman by the name of Julianna. Now, if she is the article 
I take her to be, I am on the right track. I'll convince Muldoon 
that I am a preacher, and if he should^ engage me to perform ihe 
ceremony, I'll adjust matters to suit myself. 

Enter, Muldook, l., 1 e., large ax in hand. 

Mul (sees Otto) Now, who's this, I wonder? 

Otto, (rises quickly) Ah, ha, Mr, Muldoon! I see you are about to 
"ax" something-. Do you know who I am? 

Mul. Yis, who air ye? 

Otto. I am the advance agent of prosperity. 

Mul. Oh, how I'd loike to see yer show! An' what's yer name? 

Otto. Any old thing. 

Mul. Oh, what a purty name! Ye have a profishional callin', I 
suppose ? 

Otto. Yes, I am a preacher. 

Mill, (aside) The very mon I want— a praicher! (aloud) What's 
yer religion? 

Otto: I belong to the Christian Scientists. We believe that every- 
thing is imagination. 

Mul. Ye do? 

Otto. Yes. Now for instance, I am rich, but, of course it is only 
imagination. 

Mul. So I perceive, (takes Otto's wrist) But, whist now! 

Otto. What is it? 

Mul. Air ye ilegable to perform a marriage? 

Otto. I think so. 

Mul. Thin I have a job fer ye. Now, what will ye charge to per- 
form the ciremony? 

Otto. Ten dollars and a suit of clothes. 

Mul. (clasps Otto's hand) It's a bargain. Come wid me an' I'll 
give ye the suit in advance. (exit, l., 2 e. 

Otto, (going) Muldoon means business. I hope his ten dollars 
ain't imagination. (exit, i,., 2'E. 

Enter, Katie, d. f., breathlessly. 

Katie. Oh, dear! Everything is getting topsyturvy. Mr. Bismark 
is hurrying this way and, so is Mrs. McGreevy. I must find papa at 
once and give him warning. {exit, l., 2 e., screams 

Be-enter, Katie, l., 2 e., quickly, followed by Muldoon. 

Mul. Shame on ye, Katie! Didn't ye see thot mon changin' his 
clothes? 

Katie. Never mind that. Just change yourself from here before 
it's too late. 

Mul What do ye mane? 

Katie. I mean that Mr. Bismark and Mrs. McGreevy are coming 
this way, and they don't look pleasant either. 

Mul. What is the doochman armed wid? 



MULDOON'S BWNBEIVS. 10 

Kittle. The biggest liorse pistol that ever kiclced. 

Mul. (beioildered) A horse pistol! Katie, I have me suspicions 
tliot I'm goiii' to a warmer climate. 

Katie. Nonsense! Don't talk like tliat. Be a man. Remember 
your father was a liero. 

MuL Yis, au' he got shot, too. 

Wldoic. {outside D. ¥., gives a icar iclioop) Och! och! och! whoop! 

Mul. Oh, murtiier! {dasJies off n. , 3 b. 

Katie. Ha, ha, ha! (runs tip to loliidoio and looks off Vx..) Here siie 
comes — the Irish squaw. {hides down beside cabinet up c. — inusic 

Enter, Widow McGreevy, d. f., wears cIdcJcen feathers in, Iter hair, lias 
her face gorgeously painted and carries a sad iron and hatchet — sh^. 
does an Indian icar dance ad. lib., and exits l., 2e. — Katie is laugh- 
ing heartily — a loud crash and yells of pain heard offi.. — Otto comets 
jumping out L., 2 e., the Widow after him, he is Inside a barrel, no 
coat or vest on, pants rolled up high, she chases him around room ad. 
lib., he finally darts out d. f., she after him. 

Katie, {laughing) Ha, ha, ha! I don't blame her so much for 
chasing the tramp, but 1 think she might have waited until after he 
had arranged his toilet. 

Bis. {outside) Look oud! Look oud! Keep from my vay oud! 

Katie, {looks off^ at icindoic) Goodness! here comes the Germau 
army!^ {conceals herself as befrre 

Enter, Bismarck, d. f., quickly, armed icith a horse pistol. 

Bis. Slieminy, pretzels und lager beer! I nefer run so soon in all 
mine life before. I vonder vhere ish dot man Muldoons? 

Mill. {off^B..) Here I am, ye ould kraut barrel! 

Bis. {excitedly) Kraut barrel! Kraut barrel! Oh, I vill shoot dot 
Irishman full ulT holiness! {ruslies off^ :r. , 3 k. 

Katie. Ha, ha, ha! Now if Mr. Bismark don't happen to be a 
sharp shooter, he will never live to know it. 

A hot argument is heard off n., a pistol shot — Katie screams and jumps 
vpon cabinet — a loud crash. 

Enter, Bismarck, r., 3 b., jumping on, Muldoon after him and chases 
Mm around room ad. lib. 

Bis. Look oud mit dot ax! 

Mul. {Jiitting BiSMAB.^ icith ax, sending him to the floor) Take thoti 
(jumps upon chair n. c.) Me christian name is Larry; I used to play 
baseball, an' begob, I'm a hard hitter! (jw^es grandly 

Enter, Otto, l., 1 e., quickly, inside barrel. 

Otto. Say, Mr. Muldoon, have I got on a hoop skirt, or is it merely 
imagination? 

Mxj'LDOo:^ stands In asto7iis7iment-^KATiF. up c, clapping her hands 

gleefully. 

Enter, Y(\\)OW, "D. F., as curtain descends. 

QUICK CURTAIK. 



20 MULDOOls'S BLUNDER'S. 

ACT II. 

SCENE. — Bismarck's Oaf e— fancy interior in 3rd groove, with hall hack- 
ing in Jftli groove — double door c. in flat, practical doors it., 2 e., and 
L., 2e.; dining-tdble and cliairs l. c, table service on taMe— fancy 
screen vp l. — Toby discovered dusting furntiiire. 

Toby. Gosh! but I's feeliii' bad. Eber since Muldoon trounced 
me yestahday, I's been feeliu' like a piece of pounded beefstake. 
Golly! If dat gal hadn't come in and stopped de rumpus when she 
(lid, I'd a been a brack angel in a short time, suah! Talk about yer 
football games — dey wa'n't in it at all. When ole Muldoon come 
ag'inst my. bread basket, I thought I was up ag'inst a centre rush 
I'or suah. ' (i-.. c. 

Enter, Bismarck, R., 2e., quickly, carrying a sig?i uhich reads, "Ke p 
out! This place is rented to M uldoon. 

I Bis. {as he enters) Say, Toby, coom here vonce. 
' Toby. Yes, sah. {comes c.) Wot's de commotion? 
■ Bis. I A^ant you to hang dis sign by der door oud right avay off 
soon, {gives sign to Toby and icalks floor comically) Oh, how busy i 
Yos! I t'ink I vill hall" to hire some more helup. 

Toby. Hello! wot's dis? {liolds up sign and reads) "Keep Out! 
This place is rented to Muldoon!" 

Bis. Yell, I declare, if he can't read! 

Toby. S— say, boss, I doan quite understand, 'bout dis- heah busi- 
ness. Wot do it all mean? 

Bis. Dot vos my pizness. {crosses l. c. 

Toby, {crosses v^..c.) I kinder fink it am my business, loo. If 
ISIuldoon intends ter rent dis place, dis chile intends ter make him- 
self scarce. 

Bis. Yhy so? Muldoon vos all right. 

Toby. Kerect, boss. He am jist a little too much "all riglit" ter 
suit my physical anatomy. 

Bis. You see, Muldoon vos engaged to got himself married dis 
evening, und he rent mine place for der occassion. He sed dot he 
didn't vant nopody here oxcept der vedding j)eoples, und I vill hatt" 
To keep effery body else avay oud, und dot's der reason vhy I make 
dot sign. 

Toby. Look-a-heah, boss! I hope you ain't foolish 'nuff ter do 
Muldoon sich a favor, aftah de way he treated you yestahday, is 
you? 

Bis. Oh, -dot vos all right now. You see, Muldoon paid me dot 
forty dollars vone time already, but I forgot to remember about dot 
pefore it vos too late. 

Toby. Well, by golly! Y^ou's a cuckoo, you is! I orter whip you 
myself foah gittin' me into trouble wid him. No wondah he felt 
like scrappiii'. I kin excuse him now. 

Bis. Dot vos all right, {crosses n.) Hurry up, now, und hang 
dot sign oud. Und vhile I t'ink aboud it 1 guess I vill go und put a 
new motto on top uff der cash register. 
Toby. Wot kind of a motto? 

Bis. Somedings like "Honesty vos der best policy." 

{exit, R., 2 E., eyeing Tobv suspiciously 



I 



MULDOON'S BLUNDERS. "ii 

Tohv Gosh! T woiiclah iC he eber cotched me playin' wiff de cash 
reo-ister'' 'Spec' Fd better go it a little slow. {Iwlds ujp sign) But 
say ain't dot sign a beaut: Somehow or odder it doan read jisr 
•zactlv riglit ter suit ray fancy. Guess I'll liab ter change dat woilj- 
Muldoon ter somefin' else. Yep, I guess I will, {goes up dage) V 
trolly: when ole Muldoon reads dat sign al'tah I fixes it, he wont, do 
imffin ter ole Bismark-oh, no! {e^^it, c. d., laughing 

Enter, Bis-mauck, e., 2 e. 

Bis Ivonder vot's der matter mit mine face? I shoost tooh a 
lookatder milk in der kitchen, und it begin to curdle. Now if L 
effer see a man uglier as vot I vos, py sheminy! I viil shoot him on 
der spot. ^ (m^,«.,2E. 

Enter, Otto, c. d., attired as a sJiabbi/ genteel minister, carries a Uble in 

his hand. 

Otto Well, well, here I am at my best. No longer a tramp but 
at present, a doctor of divinity, all wool and a yard wide, {strikes a 
comic attitude) Ha! don't I look religious? 

Enter, Bismarce:, k., 2 e. , pistol in Jiand. 

Bis {sees Otto) Oh, look at dot face! {levels pistol at Otto) Say, 
dhere, oJp mit your hands und say your prayers! 

Otto, {affrighted) Robber! Thief! Murderer! Oh, what am I 

^'^ms^^^(%uts pistol at Otto'& face) I shoost say to mineself dot uff I 
effer see'a man uglier as vot I vos, I vould shoot him on. der spot, 

^^^Otto!^T^Diihoutdretchedarms) Well, sausage, if I'm uglier ,, than 
you are, yast pull the trigger. . -n 

Bts See here now. I don't vant you to call me sissage, 

Otto, {sits L. of table) All right: I'll call you sausage. 

^ ^ / (^ puts feet 0}i table 

Bis. Himmel! {pushes Otto's feet off table) You vos der galliest 
tra-mp I effer did see. ^^ . - n + ^^.t 

Otto {rises indignantly) Sir! How dare you call me a tramp! 
Don't you know that I am a preacher, sir! a doctor of divinity? 

Bis. Is dot so? ^ vt.1 o 

Otto. Sure thing. ■ Don't you see my gilt edged bible? 

{Jiolds up bible 

Bis. Veil, py gracious! dot beats me. Uff all der preachers vos 
likeyou, Iv'illgo to der delfil sure. -^ , ^ n ^ ^ i. , 

Otto. You needn't worry about that. It's dollars to doughnuts 
YOU won't cut any ice after you're dead. 
•" Bis. Vot you vant here? 

Otto, {resumes his seat) I want the earth. 

Bis. Anyt'ing else? , 

Otto. Yes, I want a high stone wall around it, and a Humpty 
Dumpty like you sittin' on the wall., . ts . , ^i 

Bis. {bristles up) Humpty Dumpty! Humpty Dumpty! Oh, you 
vos a villain! , . ' .„ , 

Otto. You're another! I'm a hungry preacher- and you will please 



22 MULDOOXS DLUyDER'S. 

respect the clergy by serving- me a light Uuich. 

Bis. Haff you got any money? \ 

Otto. Have you got anything to eat? 

Bis. Yaw. 

Otto. Well, tlien, business is business, so trot along now and don't 
keep me waiting. 

Bis. \oi vould you like to haff? 

Otto. I'll take a little of every thing. 

13is. AW right, I vill got j^ou some hash. {darts k. 

Otto. And say, I'd like a couple of eggs. 

Bis. {at K., 2 E.) How j'ou vant dhem — stewed or baked? 

Otto. Neither way; I want 'em scrambled. 

Bis. Two scrambled eggs! all right, I vill coom back in shoost 
vone minute. {exit, k.. 2 e. 

Otto. Well now, this is about the funniest curiosity shop 1 ever 
got into. From what I can see, it closely resembles a charity soup 
house. Ha, ha! when Muldoon picked out this place for a wedding 
feast, he must have been off his base, {aloud crash and general up- 
roar is heard offn., Otto quickly jamps iq^on chair frightened) O, ye 
sinners! 1 wonder what that noise is? 

JS^?i/er, Bismarck, E., 2 E. 

Bis. Mine gootnessi Vot vos you doing up dhere? 

Otto. I was getting ready to fly. What was all that racket about? 

Bis. {laughs) He, he, he! Dot vos nottings. i vos only scramb- 
ling der eggs. {exit, r., 2 e. 

Otto. Only scramblin' the eggs! Now if they don't happen to be 
fresh, ril bet four dollars he brings me chicken omlet. 

Enter, Bismark, r. , 2 b. 

Bis. Oh, say, Meester, it vos too pad. 

Otto. What's too bad? 

Bis. Both of dhem eggs. {exit, r., 3 e. 

Otto. Oh, I'll get fat here! {sinks into chair 

Mul. {off CD.) Where is thot dootchman? 

Enter, Muldoon, c. d., highly excited, carrying sign in hand. 

Mul. {discovers Otto) Here be is! 

{seizes Otto and hurls him to floor 

Otto, {yells) Stop! stop! 

Mul. {recognizing Otio) Howly Moses! It's the praicher! 

{doion I,. 

Otto, {rises) See here, old man, what are you throwing me down 
for? 1 havn't done anything. 

Mul. I beg yer pardon, sur, it wor only imagination. I thought 
ye wor some wan else. 

Otto. Is that so? Well, please don't let your imagination get the 
best of you again. It might cause trouble. 

Mul. Have ye seen Bismarck? 

Otto. Yes, he just stepped out there. {points iv. 

Mul. If T get me hands on him. he'll fall out there? 

{dashes across r. and runs against Bismauck 



MULDOON'S BLUNDER' S. 



es 



Ye ould kraut barrel! What do 



Enter, Bismarck, r., 2 e., carrying a tray of dishes, ^^(^.-^Muldoox and 
Bismarck both fall to floor and the tray goes helter skelter. 

Otto. Ha! behold the doAvnfall of Germany and Irelandl 

Mul. {rises quickly) Ouch! ye son-ot'-a-hoodoo! 

{commences kicking Bismarck on floor 

Bis. {struggling to rise) Helup! Police! Helup! 

Mul. {business) Git up from there, ye Arab, or I'll knock 3''e down ! 

Bis. {trying to rise) I can't get oop. You vos kicking me down 
all der vhile! 

3Iul {jerks Bismarck to his feet) 
ye mane by insooliin' me? 

Bis. {puzzled) Vot you mean? 

Mul. Ye know what I mane. Jist luk at thot sign, {puts sign at 
Bismarck) Luk at it! (Bismarck o'eads sign, then holds it up to 
audience — tJie sign noio reads, ^^Keep out! this place is rented to a haliooii."'' 
—Bismarck looks beicildered) Now, sor! what have ye to say of ver- 
silf? 

Bis. I t'ink dot somepody vos tryin' to make foolishness mit me. 

Mul. {furiously) Shut up! 

Bis. {jumps away) Look oud, dhere! 

Mill. Come here! (.sez^ses Bismarck) Now what made ye wroite 
thot sign I 

Bis. I didn't do it dot vay. 

J/ii^. I say ye did! 

Bis. {firmly) I say, nixy, undany man vot says I wrote der truth 
on dot sign vos a pig liar! 

Mul. Vm a lawyer! {commences kicking Bismarck) 'Nuff sed! 
Git out of here! {Jacks Bismarck out r., 2 e. 

Otto, (c.) Ah, ha! That mule is a hard kicker. 

Mul. {turns to Otto) I say, me bye, did ye see me soak him \\ id 
me feet? 

Otto. Well, I guess I did, and I regretted it too. That little scrap 
knocked me out of a good fat lunch, 

_Mul. Don't mintion it. Thot collasion nearly knocked me out of 
me breath. But come, take a sate an' let us talk business, {both sit 
at table) Have ye sittled ivery thing fer the widding? 

Otto. Oh, yes. Everything is settled except,the expense account 
and I'll turn that over to you. By the way, did you get the wedding 
ring? , >: 

. Mul., {rises suddenly) Upon me sowl! I f ergot all about it. 

Otto. Well, don't get excited; sit down. This silver napkin ring 
will answer the purpose. {picks up napkin ring from table 

Mul. {sits again) Roight ye air! An' it'll be appropriate, too. 
Julianna belaves in sixteen to wan,. y^ know. 

Otto. Ahem! — yes — and the license — I suppose 3^0 u got them? 

Mat. {springing to Ids feet) Now will some wan bump me head ? 
Begob, I fergot the loicense, too. „ 

Otto, {rises) Well, you're a good, one, I must say, I'm surprised 
to see 3'ou here to attend your own wedding. 

Mul. Begorry, I'm surprised at mesilf^ But what kin we do? 
The coort house is closed an' here I am widout me loicense. 

Otto. Oh, I'll fix that. Just run do\yu to. the nearest book store 
and get a blank marriage certificate. 



S4 MULDOON'S BirNDER'S. 

3M. Yes, but who will we git to put the official seal on it? 

Otto. I'll seal it with the heel of my shoe. 

Mill. Thot's a good idea, {goes up c.) Bat, sur, I'm afeard thot 
wouldn't be lawful. 

Otto. Any old thing- is lawful in New York. Run along now, and 
I'll have you tangled up before j^ou know it. 

Mpl Ye air a daisy! I'll be back in a jiffy. {exit, c. d. 

Otto. Ha! old Muldoon has matrimony on the brain. He thinks 
he is going to marry Julianna, but, of course, it's only imagination. 
His daughter and myself have fixed up a big joke on him, and if 
things come our way, we'll make it warm for the old cove. Katie, 
the little rascal, agreed to meet me here at seven o'clock, but I'll bet 
she loses her nerve at the last minute and backs down. 

Enter, Katie, c. d.; disguised as Julianna. 

Katie, {as she enters) I'll just take that bet. Put up your money, 
Otto. 

Otto. Well, I hope to be a millionaire, if it ain't Katie now! 
{clasps her by the hands) Think of an angel and she's sure to appear. 

Katie. Say, how do I look? 

{whirls around on her heel, which causes her skirts to stand out 

Otto. You look like a — er — parachute. 

Katie. What a relief! I thought you were going to say I looked 
like a baboon. 

Otto. Have you seen the old gentleman? 

Katie. No; where is he? 

Otto. I just sent him out on an errand. He'll be back directly, 
then we'll make ready for the ceremony. 

Katie. And do you think I can fool him? 

Otto. Well, I should blush to mutter. If you can't fool him, I'm 
a fool. By the way, what did you find out about Julianna? 

Katie. Lots of things. I have been Jold that she is the wife of 
the Count and an adventuress out and out. They both intend to 
come here this evening and I'm afraid they will cause trouble. 

Otto. Let 'em try it! and I'll make it so hot for them they'll melt 
in their boots. 

Katie. Now what is best for me to do? 

Otto. Suppose you retire to another room, and when the old man 
comes in, I'll bring him to you. 

Katie. That will be a good plan. Papa and Julianna had a big 
quarrel yesterday, you know, and when you bring him in, I can 
pretend I am sorry and ask his pardon. 

Otto. That's the ticket! Katie, you're a trump! Just keep a 
level head and we'll fool him to death. 

Katie. You bet we will! 

Tohy. {off-R.) All right, boss. 

Otto, {quicldy) Sh! some one comes! Get in here quick! 

{pushes Katie ojf l., 2 e., and exits after her 

Enter, Toby, r., 2 ^.^''aughing immoderately. 

Toby. Golly! I nebber had so much fun since de good man put 
me together. Whew! AVa'n't dat sign joke a crusher on de boss? 
Ole Mi-ildoon went foah hjm jist like a cow iiftali a yaller dog, (}ooks 



MULDOON'S BLUNDERS. S5 

around) But say, I doan see no weddiii' folkses 'round heah yet. 
Guess ebe'body must be late, {goes up stage andlooks off c. d.) Hello! 
wot's dis comin'? A gal all dressed in black. I'll jist lay low aa' 
see who she am. {{retires heliind screen up j.. 

Enter, Widow McGreevy, c. d., attired in mourning costume, carries 
loMp in hand. 

WidoiD. {comes c, stops shortly) Well now, this is a foine place fer 
a widdin,' I must say! (Toby appears up behind screen) So Mr. 
Muldoon Avould break his contract wid me an' marry a show actriss, 
would he? All roight. {starts l.) We'll see about thot. I liowld a 
mortgage on Muldoon mesilf, an' whin the ciremony begins, I'll stop 
Ihe auction an' gobble in me property. Thin I'll' give Muldoon :i 
horse-whippin' an' larn him a lesson niver to be t'ergotten. {at i.., 1 
M.) Ah' it takes a leddy tamer loike me to handle sich a bastely 
mon. {exit, l., 1 e., importantly 

Toby, {comes from behind screen) Say! it's kinder wa'min up 
'round heah. Dat ole gal claims she holds a mortgage on Muldoon, 
an' she's g-wine ter stop de auction, {sniffs) I smell trouble in de 
air an' I's gwine ter git in de muss, eben if I gits licked. Guess I'll 
pre-ambulate down de street an' fill my hide wiff water. Ha! dpii 
when I gits my hiibits on eber'body must be good, kase I's a bad 
man. {starts up stage and meets Count 

Enter, Count, c. d. 

How d'do, sail? 

Count. Good evening. Are you vone of ze servants here? 

I'oby. Yes, sah. 

Count. Is zis de place vere Mistare Muldoon is to be married? 

'Toby. Yes, sah. Is you one of de weddin' folkses? 

Count. Yes; I am a particular friend of both ze contracting parties. 

Toby. ])at's good; jist make yourself at home. But say, boss, I'm 
afeard we's gwine ter hab some trouble heah dis ebenin'. 

Count. Trouble? 

Toby. Yes, sah. Jist a little while ago I oberheerd a woman in 
heah plottin' ter bust up de weddin'. She had a hoss whip in her 
hand an' de way she talked was a sin. 

Count. Indeed! Vot did she say? 

Toby. She said somefin' 'bout holdin' a mortgage on Mistah 
Muldoon, an' when de ceremony begins, she calkerlates ter stop de 
auction an' gobble in her property. Den she's gwine ter hoss whip 
ole Muldoon. 

Count. Ah, I see! She is jealous of Mistare Muldoon and vant to 
mal<e trouble for him. But she vill not succeed. I vill take gootl 
care /.at she does not interfere. 

2\>by. Dat's right, boss, stick to it. I's gwine now ter git my 
habits on an' when I gits back, I'll help you out. {starts up stage 

Count. Stop! (Toby turns and comes doioi) 1 sink I have a plan 
zat vill save much trouble. 

Toby. Wot is it? 

Count. How vould you like to earn five dollars? 

Toby. Fust rate. 

Count. Zen listen to me. I vant you to abduct zis voman and 
lock her up. Zen after ze ceremony, ve vill set her fi-ee and all vill 



W MtLDQ02^''S BLUNDER'S, 

be safe. Vol say you? 

Toby. By goDy, I'll do it! Gib me five dollars and I'll lock her 
lip iti de ceilai* wilf de rats. 

Count. Good. Here is two dollars. Soon as ze deed is finished, 
I vill pay you ze balance. 

Toby. Kerect, boss, satisfaction guavranteed. I's gwine down 
lowu now an' load up with water, {goes i(/p to c. v>.) When I gits 
back, look out I'oah fun. {exit, o.-d. 

Count. Now who can zis meddling voman be? Lucky zat lam 
onto her game. Ah, it vould never do to have zis vedding interrupt- 
ed. Upon it depends riches for me. As soon as my vife is marrie.l 
1<) ze Mistare Muldoon, zen I vill take a liand and play ze part of a 
wronged l)usband. I vill ask damages of him and he vill be fool 
enough to pay it. Zen Julianna and myself vill steal avay under ze 
darkness of night, and no vone vill know anyzing of it. {gois h.) 
Ha. ha! It is ze old badger game vonce again, and dangerous as ii 
is, I risk it. {exit^ \\., 1 e. 

Enter, Muldoojst, c. d., badly used up, lias a black eye, Ids trousers scile.l 
and is in Ids shirt sleeves. 

M'ul. Now ain't I a swate lukin' broidegroom? Bad luck to thim 
Bower}' ki^s! Somewan must a towld thim about me widdin'. 

Enter, Otto, l., 2 e. 

Otto. Hello, ^lv\\.— {startled) Great heavens! Wiiat have you been 
dbin'? (l- c. 

Mul (c.) Nothin' at all. Others have been doin' me. 

Otto. Where have you been? 

Mill Ye ought to know. Ye air the wan who sint me. Jist luk 
at me wance. Oh. murther! 

Otto, {laughs) Ha! ha! you're a peach. 

Mvl. 1 dunno about thot, but I do know thot I got hit wid a peach. 

Otto. How did it all happen? 

Mul. It all happened at wance. Ye see I was passin' through the 
Bowery a mi nit ago, Avhin all of a sudden a gang of kids commenced 
guyin' me. Tiiey wer' insooltin' me about me broide, so I turned on 
me jieels an' started back afther thim. Jist as 1 did so they begin 
to pelt mo wid spiled fruit. Thin 1 started to run an' I soon found 
mesilf locked in firm embrace wid a copper. Down we wint to the 
gutler, howldin' fast tq aich other. Bye'n'bye he broke loose of niH 
an" bate me on the hid wid his club. Thin we had another skii-mish 
:in" 1 lost me coat gittin' away from him, an' here I am, sir, in mc 
shirt sleeves, ready to git married. 

Otto, (laughs) That's what [ call bad luck. 

J\ful. Thot's what I call good luck. I escaped wid me loife. 

Otto. Where's the document? 

Mul. Here, {drops a handful of torn paper into Otto's hand 

Otto, {puzzled) V^Jh^i'^ i\n^'^. 

Mul. Thot's the marriage certificate. 

Otto. You surely Avasn't fool -enough to let the store keeper sell 
you scrap paper, I hope? 

yfvL No, sor; but ye see it wint through the same process thot I 
did. 



MULDOON'S BLUNDER'S. S7 

Otto. Well, it's N. G. now. You'll have to go and get another. 

Mul. Thank ye. If I have to pass through any more sich ordeals 
to git a marriage certificate, I belave I'll remain single. 

Otto. Never mind, then, I'll go myself. But say, Mul., she is 
here. 

Mul. Do ye mane Julianna? 

Otto. Yes, and say, she's a bird! 

Mul. Thin ye had betther clip her wings afore she sees me. 

Otto. Why so? 

Mul Bekase when she sees how purty I am, she is liable to fly 
awaj^ 

Otto. Don't worry, she'll excuse you. I'll tell her that your tailor 
('ouldn't get your coat done in time for the wedding, and you can act 
like you're mad about it. That will fix it all O, K 

Mill. Yis, thot's a good wan. Is she in good humor? 

Otto. Sure thing! A bride is bound to be iu good humor before 
marriage, you know. 

3Iul. Yis. an' afther marriage — oh, what a change takes place! 

Otto. I think you had better go to her, Muldoou. She's dyin' to 
see you. 

Mul. Where is she? 

Otto. Right in there. (points 1j., 2 e. 

Mul. All roight. If she's dyin' to see me, T guess I'll go in an' 
save her loife. {starts i.., briskly 

Otto, {pulling Muldoon back) Hold ou old man. Please respect 
the ministry by letting me take the lead. I'll do all the talking my- 
self, and of course she will believe me in preference to you, because 
1 am a minister, you know, and you are a lawyer— ahem! 

{eKU, L.,.aE. 

Mul. {surprised) Ah! wouldye moind thot now? Hejistasgood 
as called himself a George Washington, an' me a liar. {e.i'it, 'l.,2 e. 

Enter, Julianna, c. d., letter in Jiancl. 

Jul. {comes c, and looks about) Yes, I am sure zis is ze place. 
{laughs) Ha, ha! Vot a charming place for a vedding — not even a 
carpet on ze floor, {sits at table k. c.) Oh, how I hate Muldoon! To 
sink zat he \ould insult me wiz zis letter by inviting me here to 
witness his marriage wiz a voman far my superior, as he terms it. 
Ugh! {tears letter into frag meiits) He is crazy! Hut I'll vin over him 
yet. {looks <ibout uneasily) Perhaps now, I liad better call a servailt 
and order a lunch, {covers her face icith veii and taps bell on table) Zis 
veil vill conceal my identity. 

Enter, Bismahck, ii. , 2 e. 

Bis. How d'do lady? Vos you vone of der vedding peoples? 

Jul. I am. Please bring me a ham sandwich and a cup of tea. 

Bis. Sandvich und tea? All right; I vill be here vhen I coom 
back, {going -R., aside) Sheminy! vot a funny dress to vear at a 
vedding. {exit, ia., 2 e. 

Jul. {tosses xeil aside) Oh, dear! How disappointed ze Count vill 
be to learn zat I have lost ze game, {rises) Yot can [ do to vin it? 
{goes n.) I sink I vill look about for a moment and take in ze situa- 
tion, r must vin. {exit, v,., 1 e. 



i3 MULDOOF*S BLUXDEB'S. 

Enter, Widow, l., 1 e. 

Widow. Ah , sure'n I j ist seen the wield i n' pcarty, I peeped through 
llie key hole in the door in the room beyont an' diskivered Muldoon, 
l)is would-be-broide, an' the hobo whisperiu' an' jokin' wid each 
other. I wonder if thej' suspicion anythin.o-? Begoriy, I hadbetther 
be careful. If any wan sees me face tliey are sure to beconro 
fi-ighlened at the bad squint of me eye. 1 belave I'll cover me face 
wid me veil an' pretend I'm deaf an' dumb, {covers face wiili veil and 
.sits (It, table) I guess I'm all roight now, pervidin' I don't talk through 
me veil an' strain me voice. 

iT;/ ^^7*, Bismarck, i?., 2e., carrying tray contavninq sandicicli and cup 

of tea. 

Bis. Here you vos, lady, sandvich und tea. {places tliem on tahle) 
>s'()w if you should vant me pefore I coom back, shoost ring der bell 
^ hilelaint here, {goesii.) Ahem! {castsasidelong silly look at V^TDoy^) 
Ah, dhere, lady! 

{leaves hand at her and exits, u., 2 e., nreathed in smiles 

WidoiD. {tosses veil aside and looks bewildered) Ah! no\v, M'hat phice 
is this? I belave I'm in a lunatic asylum; begorry, the dootchmans 
daffy! Sure'n I ordered no lunch at all, at all. Ah! Avhat a noice 
sandwich, {rats of it) Yum! yum! Now I'er a sip o' tay. {draihs 
tea Clip witliout stopping) Ah! tho-t's the rale stuff. An' what a purl y 
chiny cup an' saucer! Somethin' I've been wantin' fer a long loime, 
loo. It's moine, so it is. {rises) I'll jist save the balance of this 
sandwich until I git hungr3^ {going l., holding up sandicich, cup and 
saucer) Ah! I tell ye it's an ill wind thot don't blow some wan good 
luck. {exit, L., 1 E. 

Enter, Julianna, r. , 1 e. 

Jul. Not a soul in sight. Ha! ha! I am beginning lo sink zat ze 
Muldoon vedding vill be a fizzle, vot you call it? {at table) But. 
vhere is my lunch? {sits at table and covers face loith veil) I vill call 
ze servant again. {tapsbell 

Enter, Bismarck, r., 2 e. 

Bis. Oxcuse me, but did you ring der bell vonce more? 

Jul. Yes, sare. Please bring me my lunch at vonce. I am be- 
comming impatient. 

Bis. {puzzled a moment) Yot's dot? 

Jul. I say, please serve my lunch. Have you forgotten my order? 

Bis. {scratches head) Yhy, didn't I shoost bring it a leetle vhile 
ago ? 

Jul. No, sare, you did not. 

Bis. {aside to audience, with surprise) Noav vot j'ou t'ink of dot? 
{aloud) Say, lady, vos you blind? 

Jul. {rises indignantJg) Sare! how dare you insult me! 

Bis. Oh, dot vos all right; 3T)u can't fool me. I bring you dot 
lunch und you know it. 

Jul. {crosses n.) You did nossing of ze kind. I sink yon are try- 
ing to rob me. 

Bis. (l. c.) Nixy! It vos der odder vay, und I vant some money 



MULDOON'S BLUNDER'S. 29 

right avay off quick. 

Jul. Bab ! I vill pay you nossing". 

Bis. See here, now, I mean pizness. Pay me or I vill got you 
arrested. 

Jul. Be careful, sare! Ef you attempt anysing- like /.at, I vill 
liave 3'ou caged for trying to obtain money by false pretense. Do 
you understand me, you old teutonic impostor? {tremUing icith rage) 
Ugb ! {exit, ii. , 1 e. , enraged 

Bis. Oh, vot a goot natured voman: Der man vot she marries 
vill need a shoot gun. {looks at table) Sheminy! Effrs' t'ing vos 
gone includin' der cup und saucer. Yell, dot peats me! She vos so 
hungry she eat der whole pizness. Pelieve me I vill took der sugar 
bowl avay — {takes sugar hotel and goes r.) she might coom bade. 

{exit, Pw, 2 E 

Toby, {outside c. d., singing, air — "<x 7iot old time") 

"Dar will be a hot ole time ter night, 
Eb'rybody come prepared ter hab a fight; 
Oh, when I sees dat gal in brack, I'll steal her right, 
Dar'll be a hot time in dis place ter night." 

Enter, Toby, c. d., grining. 

Say! ain't I a nice kidnappah? I feels jist like I could carry awa}' 
a brick house witfout strainin' a muscle. I wondah whare dat bad 
woman am? Nobody seems ter be stirrin' 'bout. Guess I'll hide 
away an' wait foah de turn of de tide. {retires belmid screen, l. 

Enter, Widow, l., 1 e, 

Widoic. Oh, dear! What ails me, I dunno? The more I think 
about Larry marryin' this Frinch woman, the Avorse it makes me 
fale. {sits at table) Afther all, Larry is no bad mon. True he has 
his falls, but thin he's not all to blame. Oh, dear! {iceeps) I wish 
now, thot I hadn't insolted him. Thin I moight a been a happy 
voung broide this avenin' mesilf. {sobs) Oh-oh-oh, dear! 

{face in her Jiands 

Toby, {comes from behind screen) Poor ole gal! 1 know she feels 
biid. but I kan't help dat. I's got ter do my duty, {cautiously) Now 
Toah de I'alal blow, {quickly seizes Widow, she screams, Toby becomes 
frightened and dashes out c. d. — as he exits) Lawd a'marcy! 

Widow, {bewildered) W-what wor thot? 

Enter, Bismarck, r., 2 e. 

Bis. Sheminv! Yot a noise! 

Widou\ {sees BmyiAUCK) Oh, luk at him! (Widow starts after 
]>rsMATU'K. .she chases him. around roomad. lib.) Ye would-be abductor! 
{striking liim with whip) Take thot! an' thot! and thot! {business 

Bis. {r/fter each blow) 1 got it! I got it! I got it! 

Work this business up ad. lib. — Bismarck ^na^^z/ daslies out u., 2 e., and 
dams the door in WiDOw's/ace. 



so MULDOON*S BLUNDERS. 

Widow, (flinches) Ouch! He give nie a shut out. Mebbe, noA\^ 
lie's hart enough. But what does it all mane? AYliy sliould the 
Dootchmau attimpt to stale me? Begoriy, he ougiit to know tliot 
I'm no portable fixture, (struts l. gallantly) Ah! it takes mean' me 
little whip to conquer sich a bastely crayture. (exit, l., I k. 

Ent&t\ Toby, c. d., cautiously, large razor in hand. 

Toby. Whare am dat gal wiff dat pow'ful voice? (looks around) 
By golly! she's gone. But jist wait; when I sees her ag'in, I'll steal 
lier sure, kase I's got my battle ax now. Whiz! (flourishes razov) 
Say! ain't I de crookiest crook you eber seed? 

(strikes an easy attitude 

Enter, Muldoox, l., 2 e. 

Mul Now if I only had me coat— («€^s Toby) Ah! luck at the 
naygur! 

Toby. How d'do, Irish? 

MvL Tut! tut! me bye, don't call me Irish. I'm a Hibernian. 
But what air j^e doin' wid thot razor? 

Toby. I's lookin' foah trouble. 

MuJ. Indade? (^nills up 7ns sleeves) Well, am I the wan ye're 
lukin' fer? 

Toby, (retreats) No, sah, 'deed you ain't. I got a plenty from 
you when I came aCtali dat forty dollars dat time. 

Jfvl. Thin Avho air ye lukin' fer? 

7'oOy. Some gal Wot's tryin' ter bust up yer weddin'. Yer see I 
oberheerd wot she said, so I tole a man 'bout it an' he hired me ter 
kidnap lier. I had her a minute ago, but I wa'nt quite prepared ter 
hold her. 

Mul. Ye don't iell me! Wor ye acquainted wid the mon? 

7'oby. No, sah. He jist said he was yer friend, an' he did'n keer 
'bout liabin' yer weddin' spiled by a woman. 

Mul. An' ye're goiu' to kidnap her, air ye? 

7oby. Yes, sah. 

Mul. Begorry, ye're a brave b'ye. Here's foive dollars fer ye. 
(gives money) Soon as ye finish the job, I'll give ye foive more, (goes 
up stage) Do yer worrek well an' don't let the bad woman get away. 

Toby. All right, boss. 

Mul. An' by the way, I want ye to do me another favor. 

Toby. Wot is it? 

Mul. Git some roice, an' whin the praicher ties tlie knot, I want 
ye to sliower me mid the cereal. Thot will give me good luck, ye 
know. 

Toby. Kerect, boss. I's 3'er handy man. 

3Iul. I'm goin' down the strate now an' git mesilf some wearin' 
apparel. I'll be back directly, an' whin ye complate yer juty, ye 
shall be well remimbered. (exit, 6. u. 

Toby, (laughii) By golly! Ole Muldoon am a fust class rnan aftaii 
all. .list look at de money! Whew! If dis business keeps up I'll 
soon hab ernuff ter start a crap game. But now, 'bout dat woman. 
I'll hide behind de screen an' lay foah her. (retires behind screen, l. 



MULDOON'S BLUNDER'S. SI 

Enter, J-CLix-^s A, c.T>., face veiled. 

Jul {comes c, tosses teil aside) I just passed Muldoon, but luckily 
lie did not recognize me. Ha! ha! he looked too fanny for anysing- 
—more like a tramp zan a bridegroom. 

Toby, {up heMtid screen— aside) Now look out foali trouble! 

Cautiously comes from behind screen and steathily creeps up heldnd 

JUIJANNA. 

Jul. But vhere can I gODto pass ze time avay until ze vedding 
occurs? 
(Toby quickly seize Jultanna and throws veil over her face, she screams 
Toby. Jist go wiffme! 

Toby drags JuLiANNA'ojf l., 1 e., trying to suppress her screams — i 
\^i%^AB.CK peeps in e., 2 e. — he looks about sharply, then disappears. 

Ent&i% Count, c. d. , document in hand. 

Count, (c.) Now I sink zat Ijmake a lucky find. In ze next room 
I find zis document carelessly laid among some old papers. It be 
voiie deed to some valuable property belonging to Mistare Bismarck. 
I sink I vill keep it, it might be of some value to me. {pockets deed 

Enter, Katie, l., 2 e,, w disguise. 

Katie. Oh, my dear Count, good evening. 

Count. Ah, Julianna, I am delighted to see you. How happy you 
make me indeed. To sink zat you risk zis bold game of marriage 
all for me. 

Katie. Oh, zat is nossing. I risk anysing for you, yon know. 
(fondly touches him under the chin, he turns aioa/y abashed— aside) Oh, 
ain't I bad? 

Count. But Julianna, ve must be careful. 

Katie, {earnestly) Yes sare, ve must b6 careful. 

{winks at audience 

Count. Now listen to my plan. After ze ceremony I vill tell 
Muldoon zat you are m3^vife and I vant you to verify my statement. 
1 vill i^retendhe has wronged me and demand damages of him. Zen 
soon as he pays it ve vill steal avay from here forever. Ha! ha! 
{elated) Is not ze game a good vone? 

Katie, {elated) Magnificent! Splendid! {aside) Scrumiptious! 

Count, {uneasy) I sink now I had better go. {starts n. 

Katie. Yes, sare, I sink you had better go. 

Count. Ah, Julianna, good lack! Adieu. {exit, n., I ¥:. 

Katie. Now ain't I glad I'm here. I learned something, I see 
now why Julianna is so anxious to marry papa. It's a put up game 
to rob him of his dollars. 

Enter, Otto, l., 2 e. 

Otto. Ah, ha, Katie! What now? 

Katie. Good luck. Otto. I just met the Count here. He thought 
I was his wife and exposed the whole plot. 

Otto. Ha! that's good. Just keep cool, Katie, and we'll fiiid 'em 



5^ MXJLDOON*S BLUXDEirS. 

out. {goes up stage 

Katie. Where are you going? 

Otto. Out on business. Tal^e that (tJiroits Jdss at Katie) and com- 
pose yourself until I return. Ahem! (exit, c. r>. 

Katie, {laughs) What a giddy preacher! Papa thinks he is a 
minister, but of course, it is only imagination. {exit, l., 2 e. 

Enter, Widow, c* d. 

Widow. What delays the widdin', I dunno? I've been luldn' fer 
a good hidin' place, but divil a location kin I foind. Ah! now, 
Avliat's the raatther wid this fancy business? {examines screen ujy l.) 
Sure I kin hide behind it an' no wan will diskiver me. I'll do it. 

{goes heliind screen 

Enter, Muldoon, c. d., lie has on a Ucjjcle sweater ami icears a dinky 

little cap. 

Mid. {poses comically) Ah, ha! What do ye think o' me now? 
Ain't I a lulu? I jist bought this outfit fer sixty cints out of a pawn 
shop. There's nothin' chape about me. {struts about import intly 

Widow, {up behind screen— aside) Begorry, he must be lukin' fer a 
hot toime wid thot sweater on. 

Mul. If the widdy cud only see me now, she'd git dizzy. 

Widoic. {same as before) Roight ye air! Thot costume is enough 
lo make wan's hid swim. 

Mul. Poor widdy! She's all roight in her way, but the trouble is, 
she don't Weigh much. 

Widou\ {as before) Indade! Well ye'll think I weigh a plin'y, 
bye 'n bye. 

Mul. I belave I'll go now, an' paralize Julianna wid me costume. 
Slie can't help but admire it. Oh, I tell ye, I kin luk purty wliin I 
M-ant to. {exit, l., 2 e. 

Widotc. Ah! his face would break a tin dollar bill. Now tliot he 
litis a sweater, I suppose he'll be larnin' to roide a wheel nixt! Thin 
1 pity the wheelmonwho comes in contact wid him. He's so tacky, 
he'lfpuncture their tires. {disappears behind screen 

Enter, Toby, l., 1 e. 

Toby. Well, I's got dat gal wiff a brack veil locked up at last. 
(Widow appears up behind screen and puts hand to ear and listens) 
AVhew! {toipes perspiration from brow) Dat was a mean job. Guess 
ril go to de kitchen now an' git some rice. I want's ter see Muldoon 
hab'^good luck. {exit, i\., '2 k. 

Widow. Now what did he say about lockin' up a girrel wid a 
black veil? {unconcerned) Somehow or other, I've niver been locked 
up yit. 

Enter, Otto, c. d. 

Otto. Well, I'm back. Now what did I do with that document? 
{searching pockets) Oh, yes, 1 remember now. 

{sits at table and remotes one of his shoes 
Widow, {hand to nose— aside)) Whew! It's a wonder Ihot moi/ 



MULDOON'S BLUNDER'S. S3 

wnnUlii't bathe his fate. 

Otto, {takes certificate from sJioe) Ah! here it is, sweet as eau de 
colog-ne. 

Widoic. {same as before) Whew! I wish I had the catarah. 

Otto, {puts on sJioe) Muldooii had such tough luck with the otlier 
one, so I thought I'd hold this one down, {rises) I wonder where — • 

Enter, Bismauck, r. , 2 e. 

Bis. Say— 

Otto. Why. how d'do, sausage! I was just thinking of you. 

Bis. Now please, don't call me sissage. 

Otto. All right, I'll call you sausage. Kindly help me move this 
table. We need more room for the wedding. 

Bis. Und vos der vedding to be in here? 

Otto. That's IMuldoon's orders. Right after the ceremony he 
wants to be near the table, you know. Give me a hand. 

Bis. Yaw. {tJiey move table up h. 

Otto. Thanks. Now how would you like to be a silent witness to 
this wedding? 

Bis. Dot vould suit me bull}'. 

Otto. All right. Just get up here. 

Otto places Bismarck sittiiiff on back of cUah\ r. of table, elevates Bis- 
marck's rigJit arm and places his left hand over 7m heart. 

Otto. Tliere now, keep that position until after the ceremony, and 
Til give you five dollars— maybe. {exit, l., 2 e., smiling 

Bis. {steady position) He vill giff me five tollars— maybe ! I vonder 
if dis vos a game of chance? 

WidoiD. {2)oints at Bismarck) Oh, Ink at the dummy! {laughs) 
He, he, he! I wish I had a bad egg. 

Enter, Otto, l., 2 ^..followed by Muldoon and Katie, arm in arm^ 
they go tip stage, Muldoon r. c. , Otto c. and Katie l. c. 

Otto, {as he enters) This way, please. Just follow me and be 
liappy. {sounds floor icithfoot) This seems like a solid spot. I guess 
we'll proceed. 

3ful {sees Bismarck) Ah, what's thot? 

{stealthily creeps toioard Bismarck 

Otto, {pulling him hack) Sh! Don't disturb him. He's a silent 
witness. 

Mtil. An' is he aloive? 

Otto. No, he's only surviving. 

Mill. Julian na, give me a pin. 

Katie, {laughs) A pin? 

Mul. Yes, I want to see him dance the houchee couchee. 

Otto. Never mind him, just listen to me. Ahem! 

{business of clearing throat 

Mill. Here, {offers flask of liquor) take a ^ip o' this. It'll stop the 
ti('l<1in' in yer throat. 

Otto, (feigns off^ense) Tut! tut! I'm not here to be insulted. 

Jfiil. All roight, thin— I am. {about to take a swig 

Katie, {seizes bottle and throics it away) Mistare Muldoon! Shame 



SJt MnLDOON*S BLUNDER'S, 



on you 



Widoio. (aside) Begorry, she's a leddy afther all! 

Otto. Attention now! '^{ojpens bible) Join hands. (Mui-DOON and 
Katjf. join Jiands) Julianna, do you take this man to be your law- 
liilly wedded husband? Will you promise to spend all the money he 
gives you, and will you learn to ride a wheel? Will you go out shop- 
ping eight hours eacli day and leave your husband at home to cave 
ior llie children? Do you promise all this? 

Katie. I do. (Muldoon sigJtft 

Otto. Mr. Muldoon, do you take this woman to be your lawfully 
wedded wife? Will you cook your own breakfast, and when your 
mother-in-law pays you a visit, will you give up your bed and sleep 
in the attic? And will you further promise to grant your wife a 
divorce if she should become dissatisfied, and will you pay her 
alimony? Do you agree to this? 

Mill {hesitatingly) Y-y-yes. 

Otto. Then by the authority invested in me, I pronounce you man 
and wife. Amen, {doses bible 

Widoio.' {aside) " Kow that's what I call woman's roights? 

Bix:. {without chaitging position) Say, dere, giff me dot five tollars! 

Otto. Ha! maybe. 

Enter, Toby, r., 2 e., qiiicJdy. 

Toby, {dashing a handful of flour in MtJLDOON's/<zce) Good luck, 
Mistah Muldoon! 
Mul. {excited) Howly Moses! 
Toby, {sajne biz to Biskatlck) Same ter you, dutchy! 

{darts out l., 1 e. 
Bis. {jumping down) Sheminy Christmas! (dashes out b..^ "-i.E.. 

I E7iter, Cov^T, -R.ylB. — qmcUly springs on. 

Count, (wildly) Stop ze vedding! Stop it! 

Otto. What's the matter with you? 

Couut. I am ruined. See! Mistare Muldoon (points to Katie) vot 
you have done! (doicn b.. 

. Mill, (rubbing 7iis eyes) I can't see — ^bad luck to the naygurl 

■Otto. Well, what has he done? 

Count. He has married my vife. 

jYul. (bristles up) Wluit's thot? 

.Otto, {to Covwr) You're afool! 

Count. I speak ze truth, (to Katib) Julianna, are you not my 
vife? 

Katie, (l. c.) Not guilty! (removes icig quickly) I'm Katie MuldQon. 

(bends back gracefully and laughs 

Count. Ze devil! (dasJies off r. , 1 e. 

Mul. (beunldered) Great hivens! D It's Katie! (k. 

Widow, (coming jj., from behind screen— aside) Jjim^in' huclfei'^ 
He has married his own daughter. (l. 

MuL (sees Widow) Now I wonder who she is? 

Otto. How goes it, Muldoon? 

Mul. ^ I belave I have an imagination. BegQrr}^ I'm a wilted shirt. 

Widow, (tosses veil aside) Yes, an' begorry, I'm the laundriss thot 
kin do ye, up! . . (7'aises ichip aloft and rushes at Muldoon 



MULD OxV S BL UNDER S. S5 

Mill, {business) Kape away from me! 

Widow. Niver a bit! {vigm'ously applies whip to Muldoon's lack^ 
lie yells tcith pai?i) Now have ye an imagination? 

Business, Katie and Otto Iiold fast to Widow, and try to sujjpress Iter, 

lively business. 



Enter, Toby, c. d.. quickly. 
Good golly! {throi.cs 

QUICK CURT Am 



\Toby. {sees situation) Good golly! {thrones up both hands) I kid- 
napped de wrong gal! {pudnesa 



aCT III. 



SCENE. — Widow McOrkeyy^b mansion— faiicy inferior in Srd groove, 
with hall backing in If.th groove.; double daor c. in flat — all entrances 
open, heavy portier curtains hung at door c. , white statue pedestal out- 
side door c. ; fancy foot stool m. of doM' Q.; fancy table against flat l. 
of door c. ; chairs k. and l. of table; organ and stool t,., 2^.;diva?i 
K. c; fur rugs on floor. 

Enter, Toby, c. d., at rise of curtain. 

Toby. Well now, mebbe yer finks I ain't in clovah. Since de 
wider McGreevy got her big fortune from Ireland, she moved up 
heah amongst de swell foah hundred, an' hired me as her star serbant. 
1 tell yer, she's fixed mighty cozy now, an' I's got a fine job, too, I 
only has ter work twenty-foah hoars a day, an' out of dat I gits ter 
sleep eight hours between de ticks of de clock, {grins) Ain't^-I 
hicky? 

Enter, Widow, l. , 3 e. 

Widoio. Toby, is thot ye? 

Toby. Yes, mum. Wot's de mattah? 

Widow. I'm in a bad muddle. 

T'oby. Wot erbout? 

Widow. Well, ye know I intend to give a noice masquerade this 
avenin'. 

Toby, {looks straight ahead, listening eagerly and blinking Ids eyes) 
Ugh, huh? 

Widmo. An' of coorse, me guests will naturally expect me to en- 
tertain thim a bit. 

2'oby. Yes missy. Dat's wot dey is comin' foah. 

Widoic. Exactly, but what on airth kin I do to amuse inywan? 

I'oby. Why, jist act natural. I fink dat orter tickle 'em? 

Widow. No, no! I mane what artistic method kin I use thot will 
plaze thim? 

Toby, {scratches head) Well, kain't yer play on de organ? 

Widow. Dival a note kin I play at all. Now if I only cud— 

Toby, {interrwptingly) Say, missy, 'sense me fer interruptin', but 
I finks I kin help yer out. 

Widow. How? 



$e MULBOOVS BLUNDER'S. 

Tohy. Suppose I go down de street an' git a hand organ? 

WidoiD. A hand organ? Air ye crazy? 

Toby. No, mum, I hain't. Now as I was sayin', I'll git a hand- 
organ, coom up heali wifl: it an' git behind dat organ, {points to 
organ) Den when de folkes axes yer to play, you kin set at de organ 
an' make a big bluff, an' I'll be liided behind de organ doin' all de 
playin', an' no one will cotch on but wot you's a real musician. 
How's dat? 

Widow, {elated) Illegant! MagnifinusT Sure, I niver would a 
thought of sich a deciption. But whare kin ye git a hand organ? 

Toby. Ole blind Sam on de next corner has got one. Mebbe, fer 
a small loan, 1 kin borry it. 

WidoiD. Do so at wance. Here's two dollars, {gkes coin) Thot 
ought to be sufficient. 

Toby. Golly, yes. I kin buy a pipe organ wiff dat much. 

{starts up stage 

WidotD. Wait a minute! 

I'oby. {turns and comes doicn) Yes, mum; wot is it? 

Widoio. Perhaps I had betther give ye a few instructions first. 
Now whin I am ready fer ye to play, I'll laugh somelhin' loike this 
— he! he! he! an' fer hivens sake don't ye play a note until I do go 
he! he! he! or it will spile iverytliing. 

Toby. Yes, mum. When you go, "he! he! he!" dat's when I 
commence ter turn de crank. 

Wido^c. Yis. 

Toby. All right, missy, {goes up toe. d.) When you go, he! ho! 
he! — {bursts out lav g/dng, exit, c. !>. 

WidoiD. Now I fale much betther. I wor so puzzled to know how 
I cud intertain me guests; but thanks to Toby, I'm fully prepared 
now. Oh, won't Muldoon be deloighted whin he hears me play"/ 
Sure, he'll have a spasm over me beautiful music. 

Ent&r, Count, c. d., lie wears a sliort fasldonable beard. 

Count. I beg of your pardon, madame — 

Widoic. Good avenin', sur. {funny bow— aside) I wonder who he 
is? 

Count. I just met vone of ze servants in ze hall, and he directed 
me to enter. 

Widoio. Thot's all roight, sur. Ye air quite ixcusable. Won't ye 
take a sate? 

Count. 1 sink not. My time here is ver' precious. You see ze 
fact is, I have been sent here by Mistare Bismarck to settle— 

Widou\ Ah, yis, I understand. Mr. Bismarck has sint ye to col- 
lect the money ier this property thot I bought of him t'other day? 

Count. Exact] 3\ 

Widow. All roight. Ye see I agreed to pay him foive thousand 
dollars fer the place, but somehow, he couldn't foind the deed at 
thot toime, so I towld him whin he could projuce the deed, I'd hand 
the money to him. 

Count. So he informed me. But luckily, he found ze deed among 
some ole papers and here it is. {gites deed 

Widow. Indade? ' {examines it 

Count. I sink you vill find it correct, madame. 

Widoic. Kerect wid a "K." Now sor, air ye sure thot ye have 



MULDOON'S BLUNDER'S. SI 

legal authority to transact this business? 

Count. Certain]}', riiadame. 

Widow, {eyeing Mm sharply) Honest truth? 

Count. Upon my l»onor. (Jbows modestly 

WidoiD. Very well tliin, I'll wroite ye a clieck. 

{goes tip stage, sits at table and lorites check 

Count, (r. c. — aside) Good! Slie nibbles ze bait like a hungry 
fish. 

Widow, {comes down) Here ye air, sur. {gives check 

Count. Ah, sank j^ou, madame. 

Widow, {highly elated) Don't mintion it. I wor poor wance mesilf, 

{struts up 11., grandly 

Count. Must you leave me, madame? 

Widoio. {uj) Tj.) Yis, I must go an' put a mask on me face afore 
the masqueraders aroive, Au revoir — over the river, {exit, l., 3 e. 

Count, {laughs) Ha, ha! She mast put a mask on her face! I 
don't sink she needs voue. {goes up ii.) Five thousand dollars! 
Honest truth? Upon my honor! Ha, ha, ha! {exit, e,., 3 e. 

Enter, Katie, c. d., dressed as t/ie Goddess of Liberty. 

Katie, {comes c.) At last the war with Spain is at an end and I 
have remembered the Maine. 

Enter, Otto, r., 3 e., dressed as a Spaniard. 

Otto, {as lie enters) Ha! that's nothing. When I curried my mule 
this morning, I remembered the "mane" myself. 

Katie. Where did you come from? I thought I ordered every 
Spaniard Aviped out of existance. 

Otto.. So you did. But you see, I kept myself out of wiping reach. 

Katie. What did you Spaniards do when Dewey took Manilla? 

Otto. We tumbled into the ocean and took water. 

Katie. Is that you, Otto? 

Otto. Is that you, Katie? 

Katie. Yes. {both laugh and remove their masks) I thought I knew 
you. How do you like my costume? 

Otto. It's a winner every time? 

Ivaiie. What do you know? 

Otto. I think I have seen the Count. He had on a pair of whiskers. 

K^atie. Then something must be up. Just as I came in, I noticed 
Julianna standing in the hall. 

Otto. Then something is up. They wouldn't come here without 
a purpose; and we must tind out what it is, too. 

.Katie. But how can we? 

Otto. I think I know. How would you like to pose as a statue? 

K^atie. Me ? 

Otto. Yes, yoii can do it, I'll put you behind those curtains, 
{points c, D.) and you can pose as the Goddess of Liberty. 

Katie. And then what? 

Otto. Well, if the Count and Julianna come in here and attempt 
anything desperate, you will be in a position to see everything; then 
you can give me a signal and we'll go for 'em. 

Katie. I'd be willing to try it, only I'm afraid. 



S8 MULD00N*8 BLUNDER'S. 

Otto. What of? 

Katie. Someone might recognize me and tlien that would spoil 
every tiling. 

Otto. .You're foolish. Just come with me and I'll show 3^ou how 
the trick is done. 

{takes Katie up stage and places her on 2)edestal heJdnd curtains, c. d. 

Otto, {steps aside, admiringly) Ah, ha' Now you're it, 

Katie. Yes, I think I am it. If anyone runs against me, I'll be a 
broken statue. 

Otto. Now do you think j^ou can keep that position? 

Katie. I'm scared to say. 

Otto. Remember, you mustn't move a muscle. 

Katie. What! Can't I even chew my gum? 

Otto. Well, I guess not. And you mustn't chew the rag with any 
one either. 

Katie, {disgusted) Oh, dear! Then please tell me, what can I du? 

Otto. You can do anything you like, only don't breathe. 

Katie, {sighs) Oh. what a snap! (Widow is heard singing of i,. 

Otto, {quickly) Sh! Here comes the widow. Brace up now. and 
pose gracefully. (Ka^ib drojjs her head and poses awkwardly 

Otto, {goes It. c, disgusted) Oh, what a graceful statue! 

Enter, Widow, l., 3 e., face masked, singing a comic song. 

Ah, ha! Mrs. McGreevy, good evening. 

Widoic. {stops shortly) Sor! How do ye know who I am? 

Otto. Why, by your sweet toned voice and your attractive ap- 
pearance, of course. {bows to her 

Widoic. {removes mask) Begorry, ye're a good guesser. {looks at 
Otto and laughs) He! he! he! {suddenly puts hand to mouth— aside} 
Now 1 wonder it Toby heard thot? {looks toicard organ, l. 

Otto. By the way, Mrs. McGreevy, 1 have brought you a nice 
present. 

Widow. Indade? An' what is it? 

Otto. A grand statue of the Goddess of Liberty. 

Widow. How koind of ye; an' whare is it? 

Otto. There. {points c. d. 

Widoic. {tur7is and sees Katie, clasps her hands in bewilderment) A h ! 
what a beautiful statue! It's simply magnifinus! {turns to Otto) 
Sure, an' it must be an angel. 

Katie, {aside) If I onl^^ were, I'd fly this instant. 

Otto, {smiling) Ain't she a peach ? 

Widow. Begorry, she's swater thin a ripe persimmon, (advances 
toicard Katie) Sure, I'm deloighted — 

She touches Katik' a right arm, Katie screams; Widow screams^ and 
rushes c^L., 3 e., Katie quickly closes the curtains in front of her, 
Otto looks puzzled. ,^ 

Otto. Great scott, Katie! {quickly goes to c. t>.) What's the mailer 
with you? {trying to 2Jull curtain.s apart 

Katie, {behind curtains, unseen) Well, I couldn't help it. $he 
pinched the vaccination mark on my arm. 

Otto. Hh ! 1 thought inebbe she was sounding you with a pin. 
{ftce.-^ (iiidienre) 1 think 1 had belter see the old woman and explain 



MULDOON'S BLUNDER'S. 39. 

matters, {going) If I don't, she'll come back here and pulverize 
that statue into marble dust, sure. {6X,it, l,, 3 e. 

Katie, {peeping out betioeen curtains) Now what did he say about 
marble dust? Oh, this statue business is a little too rocky to suit 
my fancy. {vanishes — Toby heard offii. playing mouth organ 

Enter, Toby, k., 3 e., ptaying, comes c, plays a moment, then stops and 

grins. 

Tohy. Ain't dat melodious music? {laughs) I golly! Now T's 
ready foah de organ recital; an' when de wider goes he! hel he! I's 
gwine ter go — {commences playing , goes l., and gets behind organ 

Enter, MvLBOo:^, r., 3 e., dressed as a Turk, carrying mas/v in hand^ 
^ , comes c. 

Mul. Now, if I'm not mistaken, I jistheerda Dago playin' a liand 
organ. Bad luck to thim Atalion organ grinders! Wan toinie a 
Dago lost his monkey an' thin he tried to stale me. Bogorry, he 
thought I wor the missin' link. An' by the way, thot remoinds me 
—1 belave I'll mask me face. {puts on his mask 

Enter, Widow, l. , 3 b. 

Widoic. {sees Mjj'ldoq'S, aside) Ah, now, who's thot, I wonder? 

Mul. {recognizes her, aside) Sure, it's the widdy. I'll have some 
fun wid her. {aloud) Good avenin' madam. 

Widoio. Good avenin, sur. (l. c. 

Mill, (r, c.) Don't call me sur. Plaze call me majesty. 

Widoio. Indade? 

Mul.. Yes, mum. Ye see, I'm the Sboltan of Turkey, 

Widoio. Ah! yis, ye have been insooltin' the turkey. 

Mill No, no! Who said inything about insooltin' the- turkey? 

Widow. Why, didn't ye? 

Mul. Truly, 1 did not. I said I Avor the Sooltan of Turkey. Fni 
the mon thot led the Turks whin they slaughtered the Armanians. 

Widoio. Well, upon me so wl! 

Mul. No, it wor upon the battle field. 

Widoio. An' why did ye lave Turkey? 

Mul. Bekase I cudn't bring it wid me. Ye see, I'm on the lukout 
fei- a woife, an' larnin' thot Ameriky wor full of rich young heiresses, 
1 journeyed this way. 

Widow. Thin I suppose somewan sent ye here? 
. Mul. Yis, I heerd ye were on the market. Now about how much 
air ye worth ? 

Widow. Two hundred thousand dollars.' 

Mul. Two hundred thousand dollars! • Oh, what a Klondyke! 

Toby. {bobs up behind organ) Gosh! I wish she'd go he! he! he! 

{bobs do ion 

Mul. {aside) Yum! jaim! I think I'll stake me claim at wance. 

Widow. I am not only rich, but I have artistic qualities as well. 

Mill. Indade? An' what kin ye do? 

Widow. I'm a celebrated organist. 

Mill. An' kin ye raly play the organ? 

M^low. Kin I? {struts, J,., sits at organ, turns to MuLDOO]sr and 
smde.f) Well, I should smoile! {laughs) He! he! he! 



1^0 MULDOON'S BLUNDER'S. 

Toby commences playing, Widow pretends she is playing—llvhDOO'^ is 
^^Ughted— burlesque this scene and icork it up ad. lib.— music ceases. 

Widoio. {rises and conies c.) Now, how's thot? 

3ful. It wor all roight, only — 

Widow. Well ? 

Mid. I noticed thot whin ye hit the bass notes, the organ sounded 
Siipranny, 

Widoic. {sUffhtly annoyed) Yis, yer 3Iajesty, but ye see — ye see, 
this is a Chinaze ovg-ln, {brightening V2)) an' it's made hind ind 
iurnist. {laughs) He! he! lie! 

Toby commences playing, Widow rusJies to organ and plays, Muldoon 
jumps upon divan in astonisltment — Toby comes from behind organ, 
playing mouth, organ, crosses up and exits r., 3 e. — Widow jumps vp 
horrified, hastily goes up stage and exits, l. , 3 e. , quickly. 

Mul. {laugha) Ah. ha! Shoot the cilebrated organist! {steps down 
from divan) ^ow ain't this won-eld a decaitful wan? Sure, the 
\ iddy kin play upon a wash board all roight, but begorry, she can't 
play upon a Cliinaze organ. {starts up stage 

Enter, Otto, l., 3 e., and meets Muldoon. 

Otto. Hurrah, Muldoon! Is that you? 

Mill. 1 dunno who I am. Ye see, 1 jist kim out of a musical 
trance. 

Otto. A trance, eh? Now that reminds me of the dream I had 
last night. 

Mul. Is thot so? 

Otto. Yes, I suppose you remember the ten dollars you promised 
me for performing your marriage ceremony, don't you? 

Mul. Yis. 

Otto. Well sir, last night I actually dreamed that you paid me 
every cent of it. Ahem! {casts a funny, sidelong glance at Muldoon 

Mul. {looking straight ahead soberly) Well now, thot's good! Ima- 
gination, ye know, is betther thin nothin'. 

Otto, {sights) 01), yes. 

{turns his pockets inside out and looks cresf alien 

Mill. T suppose ye air lukin' fer a good toime this avenin'? 

Otto. No; I'm looking for a man with black whiskers. Have you 
seen him? 

3Iul. No, but I jist seen a black naygur wid a mouth organ. 

Otto. By the way, Muldoon, can you pretend that you're real 
drunk? 

Mul. \ kin if ye'll give me enough whiskey. 

Otto. No, no! I don't mean that. i 

Mul. Th i n wh at do y e m an e ? 

Otto. I mean, can you drink a small amount and pretend you 
liave a tremendous jag. You see, a certain party intends to load you 
full to-night for a bad purpose, and if you don't keep a level head, 
you'll regret it. 

Mul. Dival a wance will I! Sure, ii any wan loads me, up, I'll 
thank 'em fer it. 

Otto. All right, go ahead, {going u.) When you come out of the 



MULDOOX'S BLUNDER'S. U 

mill and find yourself a badly used man, you'll then wish you had 
taken my advice. T:i., ta, Mr. Wise Manl {exit, r., 1 e. 

Mai. Now I woiidei* wliat lie manes'." The idea of any wan loadin' 
me up fer a bad purpose! But I'll be on the lookout jist the samp. 
Begorry, I'll git mesilf a bottle of cowld tay an' raise the divil. 
AVhoroo! {staggers about and exits l., 1 e. 

Enter, Toby, r., 3 e., dressed as an, Indian, carries a tonialimck in his 
liand and has a card pinned to his coat, ichich reads ''Drop a nickel 
in the slot. ' ' 

Toby, {giving a icar whoop as he enters) Whoop, la! { fun ni/ dance) 
Bad Injttn hate paleface! Wow! wow! {stops suddenly and laughs) 
Golly' Ain't I de darkest redskin you eber seed? Nowl'sgwine 
ter hab some fun. {stands upon foot stool r. of c. d.) I'll jist stood up 
heah like dis, {poses) an' make de folkses belieb I's oneob dem Injun 
cigar signs. 

Enter, Count a?id Julianna, r., 3 e. 

Count, {sees Toby) Ah, vot is zis? 

Jul. It looks like a statue. 

Count. Vot a meeserable piec« of vork! (pinches Toby 

Toby, {aside) Ouch! 

Jul. Ha, ha! It is ze ugliest statue I ever beheld. 

CouinT and Julianna, cojne down c. and remove their masks— Kaih^ 
peeps on betioeen curtains, c. d. 

Toby, {aside) Oh, I doan' knowi You folkses ain't hurt wiff 
beauty. 

Count. I say, Julianna — 

Jul. Yell? 

Count. Ye are alone, I hope? 

Jul. I sink so. 

Toby, {aside) Yep! We's all alone. 

Katie, {aside) Not even a mouse stirring! 

Count. Perhaps, zen, I had better glxe you zis check. 

{produces check 

Jul. A good idea. It might save trouble. 

Count. You are right. Yhen Mistare Bismarck learns zat ze 
vidow has ze deed in her possession, he is sure to investigate. 

Jul. And if ze vidow tells him you gave her ze deed and ze check 
is found on you — 

Count. I vill be in ze hole, vot you call it? Here, take ze check. 
{gives check) To-morrow morning ve vill leave for Montreal. 

Katie, {aside) Ah! that accounts for the missing deed. 

Jul. Now, my dear, I sink ve should be satisHed. Suppose ve 
leave here at vonce. 

Count. Not so soon. I have yet anozzer deed to accomplish. 

Jul. Yot is it? 

Count. It is zis, IMuIdoon is here to-night, and I am sure he has 
money on his person. 

Jul. Yell? 

Count. Yell, it is my aim to engage wiz him in a o-ame of cards. 



^5 MULD DON'S Bl. UNDER' S. 

Of course he vill drink and I vill encourage him on. Zen after I put 
him to sleep, I vill relieve him of his mone3M 

Jul. Don't you be too sure of it. He isn't so easil}^ fooled. 

Con?it. Bah! he is soft. I vill handle him like alvitten. 

Jul. Ef you do, ze law vill handle you. 

Count, (conceitedly) Yes it vill— nit 1 « 

Toby, {sneezes aloud) Atchoo! 

Count. Ah! 

■ (dv/V, Count «??(^ Julianna, l., 1 :e. , frig7de7ied—KxTm vanishes 

Toby. Gosh! I skeerd 'em away. Jist when he said "nit," a 
genuine nit tlew up my nose, an' I had ter sneeze out loud. 

Mill, {off I.) Whoroo! Git out of me way. 

I'oby. (looks h.) Fer goodness sake! He^h comes Mistah Muldoon 
full as a Turk. Now I'll hab a circus. . {poses as be/ore 

Enter, Muldoon, l., 3 e., carrying a flash of cold tea in his hand and 
feigning intoxication. 

Mul. {staggers c.) Well- now, I'm drunk-ic-in me moind. (smil'S 
and sobers ti])) Should anywan try to load me up, I'll persist in 
driiikin' this cowld tay an' kape a clear moind. }3egorry, I'm no 
fool, {starts up stage and sees To'BY) Yith! {quickly comes c, looking 
Diysteriously) Now I wonder, have I got em? {cautiousl'if qoes up a},id 
cratnines Toby) No, ii's only a slot masiiine. I behive I'll drop a 
nickel in the slot an' try me luck, {jnits coin in Toby -a mouth) 
Mebbe I'll git — (Toby quickly strikes Mulduon on top of head uith 
imnahawk, smding him to the floor, Toby immediately resumes position as 
before and looks soberly— 'Mvlt>oon junqjs up quickly and comes c, press- 
ing his hands to head) Howly Moses! I belave I'm scalped. 

{rubs head vigorously 

Enter, Bismarck, r., 1b., briskly. 

Bis. Say, Irish, vots der matter mit you? 

3Iul. I'm paralized, so I am. ^ {business 

Bis. {xmiles) Veil now, dot vos too pad. {winks at audience 

Mul. 1 differ wid ye. It's nothin' bad at all. 

Bis. Yell dhen, vot vos it? 

Mul. Why, ye see, I jist struck good luck — I mane it struck me, 
an' me brain is in a whirl, thot's all. 

Bis. Goot luck, eh? 

Mul Yis. {aside) Now watch me fool him. (afo?/(Z) Say, dutchy? 

Bis. Yell? . . 

3Iul. Do you see thot Inj un ? {points 40 Toby 

Bis. {looks around) Yaw. Yot about him? • ■: 

Mul. He contains a powerful treasure, an' if ye want good luck to 
Strike ye, jist drop a nickel in his mouth, an' ye will be surprised. 

Bis. Yot vill he do? 

Mul. He Avill burden ye wid a valuable reward. 

Bis. Dot so? Yell peiieve me, 1 vill try him shoost vor goot luck. 

{starts up stage 

Mul {goes down l.) Oh, ye'll be surprised, I know ye will. 

{smiles at audience 

Bis. {to Toby) Now, Meester Indian, {puts coin in Toby's mouth) 
strike me mit — 



MULDOON'S BLUNDER'S. AS 

Toby Mts Bismarck on top of head, sending him to the floor — Tour 
rushes offn., 3 e., laughing. 

Mill, {laughs) Ah, lia! He got struck wid goot luck, too. 

{e.vit, \.., 1 K., delighted^ 
Bis. {rises feebly) Oh, mine gootness! Dot Indian in;i,ke mc fVrl 
sick all over mine head und stomach, {puts one hand to head and the 
other one over his stomach) No vonder Muldoon vos parali/.ed. {sil.s k. 
of table up stage) Oh, ho\y sick I vos! 
{slowly nods his Jtead and gradually falls asleep, sitting straight in chair 
Mul. {off h.) Arrah, now, Bridget, be aisy! 

jE^/i^er, Muldoon and 'Wijyow, l., 1 e. — Muldoon feigns intoxication, 
Widow has hold of his arm, shaking him as they enter. . 

Widoic. Shame on ye, Mr. Muldoon! 

Mul. Now, wha.t's the matther-ic-wid me? 

WidoiD. Ye know. Ye air drunk. 

Mul. No, sor-ic-l'm not drunk. {staggers 

Widoic. Thin what ails ye? 

Mai. I'm only intoxicated, thot's-ic-all. 

Widow, {leads him u.) Well, thin, sit down here a bit an' sober 
up. {seats Muldoon on divan and sits beside him 

Mul. How kin T sober up-ic-whin I'm sittin' down? 

M%iow. Howld yer whist! Ye have too much bhirney. 

{Y^XTiE. peeps on between curtains cu., and blows a putty ballat Muldoon 

Mul. (flinches) Ouch! 

Widow. Now what's the trouble wid ye? 

Mul. Trouble enough; an' [ don't want ye to repute it ag'in. 

Widow. An' what have I done? 

Mul. Ye wor thumpin' the back of me neck wid yer fingers. 

Widow. The idea! I niver touched ye at all. 

Mul. Ye did. 

Widow. I didn't. 

Mul. 1 say ye-ic-did. 

Widoic. I say 1 didn't. 

Mul. Thin what the divil made me jump? 

Widow. 1 dun no. Mebbe ye have snakes. 

Mul. Indade I have-ic-not. I niver had anything bigo-er thin a- 
ic-tape worm. (Katie repeats same business 

Mul. {jumps up, holding his neck) Oh, what a soaker! 

Widow, {pulling 1 dm to ids sea,t) Mr. Muldoon! air ye insane? 

Mul. No, sor-ic-l'm in misery. {J^kiYiv^ repeats busine-s.s a.s before 
and canishes, Muldoon .;wmj>m^ up again) Ouch! {looks around and 
sees BiSMAUCK) Ah, ha! I think I see the mischief maker now. 
{staggers up stage cautiously) Oh, watch me grab him! 

(Muldoon is about to seize Bismarck, lohen Widow pulls him back 

Widow. Don't disturb him Larry. Sure, he's aslape. 

Mul. Git out! He's-ic-drunk. 

Widow. So air ye. 

Mul. I say, Bridget, git a dose of bromo seltzer, an' we'll— ic — 
sober him up." 

Widow. 1 think I'll git two doses an' give wan to ye. 

{e.vit.^...?,^. 

Mul. {sobers up) Ah, ha! Bridget thinks I'm drunk, an' I'll kape 



U MULDOOIPS BLUNDER'S. 

on lettin' her think so. {looks a^ Bismarck) Poor dutchy; when 
yood luck struck him lie cudn't stand the pressure. 

Enter, Widow, l., 3 e., inth a glass of imter and a vial of flour in hand. 

WhIou\ Here ye air. There's only wan dose. 

Mill, (feigna intoxicated as before) Thot will be sufficient. Now, 
Bridget, howld his-ic-mouth open whoile I inject the bromo. 

Widow //c»M6^ Bismarck's w2o?<i{A open, while Muldoon ^?i^5 Hour into 

his mouth. 

Widow. All roig-ht. let 'er go, bromol 
Mid. {unsteady) Now!— ic — 

Mui-DOON dashes contents of glass into Bismarck's mouth, he suddenlp 
.Kpringf< to his feet— M\jlt>ooi^ rushes off r., 3 e., Widow e.vits, l., 3 
E., quickly. 

Bis. Sheminy Christmas! Vot vos dot? I shoost dreamed dot I 
vos in ;i, barber shop, und I guess der barber vos tryin' to giff me a 
sea loam. (''^^s ^"s m^^^ 

Enter, Toby, r., 1 e,, in servant costume. 

Toby. Good ebenin', boss. 

7,V.v. Yos dot you, Toby? 

Toby. Yes. sah. I'se been wantin' ter see you. 

7>/.«. Yotaboud? 

Toby. Y^ou remember 'bout losin' dat old property deed, doan' yer? 

Bif<. Yaw. 

Toby. Well I finks I knows somefin' 'bout it. A little while ago, 
1 oberiieerd a man an' a woman in heah talkin' 'bout sellln' some 
ilf^ed to Mrs. McGreeby, an' I seed de man gib de woman a bank 
check. 

Bis. You don't tole me! 

Toby. Dat am a fact. 

Bis. Und vot becoom mit dhem? 

Toby. l)ey boaf got skeerd an' run out dat way. {points, i,., 1 e. 

Bis. Ts dot so? Yell, shoost coom mit me und help me find dhem, 
1 \-A\\i dot sheck. 

Toby, {going i.. icith Bismarck) All right, sah. {grins) I hope 
good luck strikes yer. {exeunt, l., 1 e. 

Enter, Muldoon, r., 3 e., drinidng from liquor flask. 

Mul {up c.) Now, if I kape on drinkin' this cowfd tay, I'll be 
spakm' the Chinaze language directly, {sits ji. of table) Begob, t 
ain't stuck on this timprance drink^-I'd sooner-have the rale'stuff. 
But Ter fear of danger, I'll stick to it. {drinks 

Enter, Count, l., 3 e. 

Count, {sees Muldoon, aside) Ah! he is getting a good start. 
{aloud) I beg of your pardon, sare — 

Mul. {scarcely noticing him) Good-ic-avenin'. {drinks 

Count, {sits T.. of table) Y"ou are ze Mistare Muldoon, T presume? 



MULBOOS'S BLUNDER'S. 4o 

Mul {same as before) I belave so, perhaps -ic- {drinks 

Count. I am ze Count of Lyons. 

Mul. Is thot so? I thought ye \vor the Count oC Tio-ai-s. 

(^ti:uiks at audunce 

Count, {aside) I vonder if he suspects me? 

Watchwg Muldoon intently, he takes a powder from Ted iiocket and 
eni'pties it into tcine bottle on taUe. 

Mill {aside) Now I think I've seen thot mon before. His voice 
sounds familiar. ^ ^ o i i • •> 

Count. I say. Mistare Muldoon, are you fond of card phiymg . 
Mul. Weil, now— ic— yis. 
Count. Zen perhaps ve can indulge in a nice social game, eli . 

{picks lip pack of cards 
Mul I have no ob— ic— jectlons. Let 'er go! 
Count, {shuffles cards) Now vot shall ve play? 
Mul. {looking sidelong at Count) Euchre. 
Count, {puzzled) Euchre? I laiow nossing of ze game. 
Mul {pointedly) Well, I do, an'-ic-no wan Icm euchre me ayther. 

{drinks until he drains flask 

Count, {rises and drops cards, aside) Vot can he mean? 
Mul. {holding up empty flaslc) Now ain't thot too bad? Legorry, 
I drained the bottle— ic— 

Count. Here, zen, try some of zis vine. ,, . ,r 

{offers bottle on table to Muldoon 
Mul. {accepting it) Thank ye, I-ic— will. 

{is about to drmkfrom bottle ichen suddenly— 

\ Enter, Toby, r., 3 e., a bottte oficinein hand. 

Toby, {as he enters) Hole on dar, boss! , , ^ 7 . m 

"^ ^ ^ {Qqv^i looks fiercely at To^Y 

Mul. Sor? What's— ic— the matther? ^ ^ ^ ^^, ^ 

Toby Dat wine you's got am stale, {takes bottle from llm.T^OO^ 
and qifces him the one he has) Here, try somefin nice an fresh. 

{grins and goes w., turns and makes wry face at CoJJ^T and exits, r., 3 e. 

Mul. {smiles at audience) Now ain't 1 lucky ?. {drmks 

Count, {aside) Damn zat servant! 

Mul {smacks his lips, aside) Begor.iy, it's swate cider. Now T 11 
plavpossom. , ^ ^ (^''''^'' 

Count {aside) If I can only get him in a drunken stnpor, zen— 

Mul. {presses hands to head) Ah! what's the— ic— matther wid me, 
I wonder? 

Count, {feigns alarm) Vot is it? 

Mul. {gasps) I belave me brain is— ic— out oP jmt. Sure, i miist 
be stand— ic—standin' on me hid. Hh! I— I— ic— I— ic— ah! 

{gradually sinks away into a drunken stupor 

Count Good' Now is my chance, {cautiously goes to lii]\.T>oo^ 
and searches Ms pockets) Ah, vos is zis? {takes an old fashioned wallet 
from-^ixiL-DOO^'^ inside coat pocket) A pocketbook. I vonder vot it 
contains? {examines it) Damn it! nossing but an old collar button. 
(throics icallet on floor) Ah! ^ i <t 1 .tmi^L^v« 

Mul. {springing up) Now sor, give me thot pocketbook or 1 11 liav e 

yt caged. 



I^e MULDOON'S BLUNDERS. 

Count. Sacre!- {draws a dagger) I vill kill yoii! 

{starts for ]\ruT,DOON 
Mill, {draus a pistol and levels itat Count) Not. this aveuin' — some 
other aveiiiii'. {Covht recoils a {(tep 

Enter, Juijanna, t.., 3 e., quickly, with uplifted dagger in hand, she 
rushes up behind Muldoon and is about to strike him, when instantly 
Katie springs on betwee)i curtains, c. d., and covers Ooumt and 
JuLiANNA icith jnstols. 

Katie. Well, I guess not! Two against one isn't fair. 

Count runs r. and collides loith Bismarck, icho is entering r., 8 e.; at 
same time Julianna runs l., and comes in contact with Widow, icho 
IS entering l., 3 e. 

Bis. {seizes Count) Holt on, dhere! {secures dagger 

^¥ido^o. {arrests Julianna) Oh, no ye don't! 

{wrenches dagger from Julianna 
Mul. {with oiitstretclied arms) Katie! 
Katie, {embrace) Papa! 
Mul. {kisses her) Bless yer heart! Ye saved me loife. (c. 

Enter, Otto, c. d., smilingly. 

Otto. Hello! What's goin' on in here? A family reunion? 

Mul. Begorry, I think it's a family circus. Thot divil {points to 
Count) tried to pick me pockets. 

Bis. Yaw, und he steal somedings uff me already, too. {to Count) 
Gitf me dot sheck. (k. 

Count. Vot do you mean? I have no check. (r. 

Widow. Ye air a falsifier! (l. 

Bis. [bridles up) Now, dhen giff me dot sheck, or py slieminy! 
I vill smash mine fist mit your nose all ofer, {threatens Count 

Otto. Don't hit him, old man, I'll get the check, {crosses^,, c.) 
Now Julianna — 

Jul. {unconcerned) Veil ? 

Otto. I'd like to have that check, please. \i. 

Jul. I sink you are mistaken. 1 know nossing of it. 

Enter, Toby, c. d. 

Toby. Dat's a lie! I seed dat whiskers {points to Count) gib it ter 
you. (JuiiiANNA starts 

Mul. {to Julianna) Ah, ha! Now will ye be a George Washing- 
ton ■'. 

Otto. Come, Julianna, cough up that check. 

Jul. {surly) Here. {gives check 

Otto. Thanks. 

Jul. Now zat you have ze ole check, I suppose T can leave. 

{tries to jyass Otto 

Otto, {stopping her) Not just yet. I'll tell you when it's time to 
go. 

Count. I object. Zis is an imposition. 

Mul. Jf ye don't kape still, I'll knock ye out of position. 

{starts for Count 

Katie, {^intercepting him) Don't, papal 



MULDOON'8 BLUNDER'S. 47 

3ful Oh, how I'd loike to crack liis jaw. 

Otto. Julianna, I'd like to ask you a quGstion. 

Ji/L Yot is it? 

Otto. Is that man (points to Count) your husband? 

Jul. Is zat any concern of yours? 

Otto, icommandingly) Will you answer me? 

Jul. Yes, he is my husband. 

Otto, {strongly) Then, by the eternal, you are a bigamist. 

Jul. {qmcldy) Vot do you mean? 

Otto, {removes Ms heard) Exactly what I say. 

{looks Julianna j^?'»?/;y in the face 

Jill, {startled) My husband' 

Toby. Good golly! {runs out c. d. 

Otto. Yes, your husband, whom you left alone to die. After you 
deserted me, I swore then and there, that if ever 1 should regain my 
health, I would never rest until I found you. At last I have suc- 
ceeded in doing so, only to find you the false wife of a thief. 

Jul. O, have pity! (clings to Otto 

Otto. Pity? Did you pity me when you so cruelly deserted me 
dnring my illness? No! you left me without a cause, and to pity 
you wo'uld be unjnst. You have lived false to your marital vovvs^ 
associated yourself with a criminal, and now you must atone 3'our 
sins to the offended law. 

Jul. {courageously) Do your vorst! I defy you! 

Widoic. {to audience) Begorry, she's a spunky little divil, ain't she? 

Otto. Count, come here! 

Count, {advancing) Yot do you van t? 

Otto, {snatches heard from Count's /ac^) I want you to look 
nalnral. {Qo\]W\^ is rooted to the spot 

Bis. Sheminyl Yot a clean shave! 

Mul. Ah. ha! I thought I knew thot rascal. 

Enter, Toby, c. d. " 

Tohy. Say, boss, de perlice hab come. (stands near c: d. 

Otto. All right, Toby. Now Count and Julianna, there are officers 
outside who w ill escort you to your future home — a hotel built 
expressly for guests of your stripe. It's not very elaborate, but I 
liope you'll like the place. Here, Toby, usher them out. 

Toby, {comes doicn) Yes, sah. (sases Count «:m(? Julianna) Dar's 
room foah one more couple. Kim along an' fill up de wagon. 

(Toby ushers Count and Julianna up to c. d. 

Jul. (turns at c. T). — contemiotihly) Ugh! 

Count, (same husi7iess) Bah! 

(.«r/f, Julianna, Count «??^)' Toby, c. D. 

JMl. (ate. D., faUdngofji.) Bah! Go 'long, ye black sheep. 

Otto, (goes li. to Bih:sl A HCK) Here, old man, is your check. 

igrces check 

Bis: All right. Coom down to-morrow und I -vilh gitf you five 
cents — mtiybe. 

Otto. Don't mention it. 

Katie. Papa, that was a close call for you. 

Mvl: Begorry, it was thot. 

Bis. Veil 1 should say so. Look at dot knife. (holds up dagger 



■48 MUJ.DOOXS BLUXDEB'S. ■ 

Widoit. {holding vp dagger) An' Ink at this frog- stickei'. 
3Ii/l. {.shivering) Bur-r-r! It makes me I'ale loike 1 wor gettin' 
the yi-ippe lo think of it. 

Enter, Toby, c. d. 

Tobi/.. Say! de perlice done loaded 'em in de wagon, an' took 'em 
to de station. 

Omnes. Good! {Touy goes i.. 

0(to. I say, Muldoon, do you think you've had enough imagina- 
tion? 

Mill. Yes I have, I'm goin' to marry me jewel here, {indicates 
Widow) an' sittle down. 

Omnes. Hurrah! 

Mid. Thin alther we're married, ye all kin visit us an' we'll spend 
many a happy liour recallin' the incidents of "Muldoou's Blunders." 

{orchestra or piano music 

POSITION OF CHARACTERS. 

Katie. Muldoon. 
R. Widow. Toby. Bismauck. Otto. l. 

CURT Am. 

THE END. 

SYNOPSIS OF EVENTS. 

ACT T. — Muldoon's office — Katie Muldoon and Otto B. Honest, the 
actor — The rehearsal of Damon and Pythias, interrupted by Widow 
McGreevy— "Divil a bit of fun did 1 see at all, at all" — Widow Mc- 
CJreevy informs Katie of her fifth matrimonial venture — Sure it's 
your father, Larry Muldoon I'm going to marry" — Katie and tlie 
Widowplanning a joke on Muldoon — Katie pleads the Widow's cause 
■ — Muldoon's entanglement with Julianna — Katie'^ advice. ''Marry 
the one you love best— Toby and Muldoon— "Murder! murder!"— Katie 
comes to Toby's assistance — Julianna threatens Muldoon — "She's 
daffy" — "I'll commit suicide" — The joke on Muldoon — Serenade by 
the salvation army — Widow McGreevy, Captain — Speech by ihe 

Widow, which is over heard by Muldoon He looses his temper— 

"I'll be revenged, I'll marry Julianna and spite the Widow" — -Mul- 
doon and the Count — Adolph Bismarck warns Muldoon — Widow 
McGreev.y on the war path. 

ACT li. — Bismarck and Otto at the restaurant — Trouble begins— 
The changed signs — The doAvnfall of Germany — Katie and Otto's 
little plan — Toby earns five dollars — Mnldoon's experience in getting 
alicense-Julianna and Bismarck-The Widow appropriates Julianna's 
lunch — Toby — "Dar'U be a hot time in the ole town to-night" — The 
Widow's lament — Tobyand Julianna — Katie, as Julianna, discovers 
the Count's secret— Toby's abduct — The mock marriage— "Golly, I 
kidnapped de wrong gal." 

ACT III. — Toby and Widow, the masquerade ball— Widow's fine 
music — Muldoon and the Widow — The mouth-organ — Otto persuades 
Muldoon to appear drunk, in order to unmask the Count and 
Julianna — The Widow and Muldoon — "Sure and he's drunk as a 
coon" — The Count and Julianna arrested — "Faith an I'll marry the 
Widow afther all." 



W^m^'Ky- 



^ ^ Ig 

S-iubb' Plays — G autluuBd. 



NO. M. V. 

146 Our Awful Aunt 4 4 

53 Out in the Streets 6 4 

51 Rescued 5 3 

59 Saved 2 3 

102 Turn of the Tide 7 4 

68 Three aiasses a Day 4 2 

62 Ten Nights in a Bar-Room... 7 3 

58 Wrecked 9 3 

COMEDIES. 

324 A Day In A D..ctor's Office... 5 1 

136 A Legal Holiday 5 3 

168 A Pleasure Trip 7 3 

124 An Afflicted Family 7 5 

257 Caught in the Act 7 3 

248 Captured 6 4 

178 Caste 5 3 

176 Factory Girl 6 3 

207 Heroic Dutchman of '76 8 3 

199 Home ., 4 3 

174 Love's Labor Not Lost 3 3 

158 Mr.Hudson's Tiger Hunt 1 1 

149 New Years in N. Y.. 7 6 

37 Not So Bad After All 6 5 

237 Not Such a Fool as He Looks 6 3 

338 OurB.ys 6 4 

126 Our Daughters 8 6 

265 Pug and the Baby 5 3 

114 Passions 8 4 

264 Prof. James' Experience 

Teaching Country School 4 3 

219 Rags and Bottles 4 1 

239 Scale with Sharps and Flats.. 3 2 

221 Solon Shingle 14 2 

262 Two Bad Boys 7 3 

87 The Biter Bit 3 2 

131 The Cigarette 4 2 

240 $2,000 Reward 2 

TRAGEDIES. 

16 The Serf 6 3 

FARCES&COMEDIETTAS. 

129 Aar-u-ag-oos 2 1 

132 Actor and Servant 1 1 

316 Aunt Charlotte's Maid 8 3 

A Colonel's Mishap 5 



12 A Capital Match 
303 " 



A Kiss in the Dark 2 3 

166 ATexan Mother-in-Law 4 2 

A Day Well Spent 7 5 

A Regular Fix 2 4 

A Professional Gardener 4 2 

80 Alarmingly Suspicious 4 3 

320 All In A Muddle 3 3 

78 An Awful Criminal 3 3 

313 A Matchmaking Father 2 2 

31 A Pet of the Public 4 2 

,21 A Romantic Attachment. 3 3 

123 A ThriUing Item 3 1 

20 A Ticket of Leave 3 2 

329 A Valets, Mistake 5 4 

324 A Day in a Doctors Office 5 1 

175 Betsey Baker y 2 2 



169 



NO. 

8 



84 

287 

225 

317 

249 

49 

72 

19 

220 

188 

42 

148 

218 

224 

233 

154 

184 

274 

2U9 

13 

307 



271 
116 
120 

50 
140 

74 

35 
247 

95 
305 
299 

11 
323 

99 

82 



302 

106 
288 
139 
231 
235 



212 
32 
186 
273 
296 
259 
340 
334 
44 
33 



M. W. 

Better Half 5 2 

Black vs. White 4 2 

Captain Smith 3 3 

Cheek Will Win 3 

Cousin Josiah 1 1 

Cupids Capers 4 4 

Cleveland s Reception Party. 5 3 

Double Election 9 

Der Two Surprises 1 

Deuce is in Him 5 

Did I Dream it 4 



Dutchyvs. Nigger 3 

ght 



I 



Dutch Prize Fighter 3 

Domestic Felicity 1 

Eh? W at Did You Say 3 

Everybody Astonished 4 

Fooling with the Wrong Man 2 1 
Freezing a Moiher-in-Law... 2 1 

Fun in a Post Office 4 2 

Family Discipline 1 

Family Jars 5 2 

Goose with the Golden Eggs.. 5 3 

Give Me My Wife 3 3 

Hallabahoola, the Medicine 

Man 4 

Hans, the Dutch J. P 3 

Hans Brummel's Cafe 5 

Hash 4 

H. M. S. Plum 1 

How She has Own Way 1 

How He Popped the Quest'n. 1 

How to Tame M-in-Law 4 

How Stout Your Getting 5 2 

Incompatibility of Temper... 1 2 

In the Wrong Clothes 5 3 

Jacob Shlaff's Mistake 3 2 

Jimmie Jones 3 2 

John Smith 5 3 

Johanes Blatz's Mistake 4 3 

Jumbo Jum 4 3 

Killing Time 1 1 

Kittie's Wedding Cake 1 3 

Lick Skillet Wedding 2 2 

Lauderbach's Little Surprise 3 
Locked in a Dress-maker's 

Room 3 2 

Lodgings for Two 3 

Love in all Corners 5 

Matrimonial Bliss 1 

Match for a other-Min-Iiaw.. 2 

More Blunders than one 4 

Mother's Fool 6 

My Heart's in Highlands 4 

My Precious Betsey i 

My Turn Next 4 

My Wife's Relations 4 

My Day and Now-a-Days 

My Neighbor's Wife 3 a 

Nanka's Leap Year Venture.. 5 2 

Nobody's Moke 5 2 

Our Hotel 5 3 

OUvet 3 2 I 

Obedience „„.. 1 2 I 

On the Sly 3 2 I 

rfi 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

■■ 

017 37 3274 

iimes' Plays — CnntlmiB 



hO. 

57 
217 
1*>5 
195 
159 

m 

180 

267 
309 

48 
1S8 
115 

5.5 
S27 
232 
2il 
270 
1 
326 
339 

im 

328 
252 
315 
40 
38 
101 
167 
291 
308 

285 
68 

295 
54 
28 

292 

142 

27r3 

263 
7 
281 
cl2 
269 
170 
213 
832 
151 
56 
70 
135 
1^7 
155 

111 
157 



17 

r^o 



?15 



M. V' 

Paddy Miles' Boy 5 2 

Patent Washing Machine 4 1 

Persecuted Dutchman 6 3 

PoorPilicody 2 3 

Quiet Family ,. 4 4 

Rough Diamond 4 3 

Ripples 2 

Room 44 2 

Santa Claus' Daughter 5 4 

Schnaps 1 1 

Sewing Circle of Period 5 

S. H. A.M. Pinafore 3 3 

Somebodv'p Nobody 3 2 

Strictly Temperan'^e 2 2 

Stage Struck Yankee 4 2 

Struck by Lightning 2 2 

Slick and Skinner 5 

Slasher and Crasher 5 2 

Too Many Cousins 8 S 

Two Gentlemen in a Fix 2 

Taking the Census 1 1 

The Landlords Revenee 3 

That Awful Carpet Bag 3 3 

Thivt Rasca! Pat 3 2 

That Mysterious B'dle 2 2 

The Bewitched Closet 5 2 

The Coming Man 3 1 

Turn Him Out ..„ 3 2 

The Actor's Scheme 4 4 

The Irish Squire of Squash 

Ridge 4 2 

The Mashers Mashed 5 2 

The Sham Professor 4 

The Snellin' SkewJ.*: 7 6 

The Two T. J's >. 4 2 

Thirty-three Next Birthday.. 4 2 

Tim Flannigan 5 

Tit for Tat 2 1 

The Printer and His Devils.. 3 1 

Trials of a Country Editor.... 6 2 

The Wonderful Telephone.... 3 1 

Two Aunt Emilys 8 

Uncle Ethan 4 3 

Unjust Justice 6 2 

U.S. Mail - 2 2 

Vermont Wool Dealer 5 3 

"Which is "Which 3 3 

Wanted a Husband 2 1 

Wooing Under Difficulties 5 3 

Which will he Marry 2 8 

Widower's Trials 4 5 

Waking Him Up 1 2 

Why they Joined the Re- 
beccas , 4 

Yankee Duelist 3 1 

Yankee Peddler 7 3 

OUIBE BOOKS. 

Hints on Elocution 

Hints to Amateurs 

CANTATA. 

On to Victory — 4 6 



NO. M. F. 

ETHIOPIAN FARCES. 

204 Academy of Stars 6 

325 A Coincidence 8 

65 An Unwelcome Return 3 1 

15 An Unhappy Pair «! 1 

172 Black Shoemaker 4 2 

98 Black Statue .....4 2 

22 Colored Senators 3 

214 Chops „.-.... 3 

145 CufE's Luck 2 1 

190 Crimps Trip 5 

27 Fetter Lane to Gravesend 2 

153 Haunted House 2 

2,^,0 Hamlet the Dainty 6 1 

103 How Sister Paxey got her 

Child Baptised.... 2 1 

24 Handy Andy 2 

2^:6 Hypochondriac The 2 

319 In For It 3 1 

47 In the Wrong Box S 

77 Joe's Visit 2 1 

88 Mischievous Nigger 4 2 

256 Midnight Colic 2 1 

128 Musical Darkey 2 

90 No Cure No Pay.. 3 1 

61 Not as Deaf as He See>n8 3 

244 Old Clothes 3 

234 Old Dad's Cabin 2 1 

150 OldPompey 1 1 

246 Othello 4 1 

109 Other People's Children 3 2 

297 Pomp Green's Snakes 2 

134 Pomp's Pranks 2 

258 Prof.Bones'Latest Invention 5 

177 QuarreLiome Servants 3 

96 Rooms to Let 2 1 

107 School ». 5 

133 Seeing Besting™ 3 

179 Sham Doctor 3 3 

94 16.000 Years Ago 3 

243 Sports on a Lark 3 

25 Sport with a Sportsman „. 2, 

92 Stage Struck Darkey „.... 2 1 

2;^ Strawberry Shortcake 2 

10 Stocks Up, Stoolw Down 2 

U That Boy Sam 3 1 

2f)3 The iJest Cure 4 1 

282 The Intelligence Office 3 

122 The Select School 5 

118 The Popcorn Mail 3 1 

6 The Studio 3 

108 Those Awful Boys 5 

245 Ticket Taker 3 

4 Twain's Dodging 3 1 

197 Tricks 5 2 

198 Uncle Jeff 5 2 

216 Vice Versa 3 1 

206 Villkens and Din&h 4 1 

210 Virginia Mummv.-, 6 1 

203 IVho Stole tbc Oftickens 1 1 

205 William Tell 4 

l/)6 Wi^-Maker and Bis Servants 3 

Happy Franks Soneter 



The Little Gem Make-Up Box. Price 5' 



^ 



